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The Mooj Weekly Standard
is
published weekly, bi-weekly, monthly or sometimes even bi-monthly by
the good folks at The Friends of Mooj Society. The
Friends of Mooj Society is a nonprofit organization, bent on
spreading the good works and teachings of Sri Swami Mujaputtia
Umbababbaraba (know at large as The Mooj). Anyone can join The
Friends of Mooj Society and all are encouraged to do so.
Joining The Friends of Mooj Society is as easy as becoming a
Mooj minion—in fact, they're one in the same. To apply, CLICK
HERE. All material published in this newsletter is the intellectual
property of Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba (aka Mooj) and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or
form without the expressed written consent of him or one of his non-paid
interns. The Mooj is an equal opportunity swami and chooses to use his
God-Given talents to better society. He hopes that you will do
the same.
Greetings All! Okay, I'm not even going to try and
pretend like this newsletter is on time and that it was actually posted on December 31st.
As of this writing it is already late January. My interns were
too lazy to change the graphics and so we decided to keep the original
date on the title box. Since most of you have been waiting two months for this "end of year" newsletter, I won't
waste anymore time in the introduction. Please accept my apology
and begin reading now.
Blessings and Such,
The Mooj
|
|
Selected
emails addressed to Swami Sri Mujaputtia
Umbababbaraba
(By
selected we mean stuff that was written by
coherent friendly people. If your letter was not included below
it's because the editorial staff thought you were an idiot or
troublemaker. Sorry if we made a mistake. Next
time try to sound smarter and less belligerent.)
"The
Mooj Mail Bag" |
Sri Mooj,
I'm not much of a communicator and I hardly ever
write to people but this time I just had to. A few
weeks ago I stumbled across your book entitled Are You There God?
It's Me Mujaputtia. I never cried/laughed so
hard in my life. It was almost as if you wrote that book just
for me! I could totally relate to the characters,
especially "Jake," the broken hearted rodeo clown.
Was that book a true life history of yourself? It's a shame that
this book
is out of print. I bet Oprah would feature it in her book club
if it were still available. Best of luck Sri Mooj; hopefully
you'll find that dream you're searching for.
Anonymous
Jasper, WY
P.S. Please don't use my real name if you
post this letter. Also, do not under any circumstances issue
me a Mooj minion number. I am currently in the Witness
Protection Program. Thanks.
| Thank you for
your kind words Mr. Anonymous. It's too bad they're
aren't more people in the world like you. If there
were I would have sold more books. |
Hey Chachi 420,
I’m totally blown away by how cool you are man! I
am also Hindustani. The other day I was at the
Old Delhi market and some book-wallah was selling a copy of your
classic Mera
Naam Mooj. It is still in good condition but a few of the
pages are stuck together. I will part with this one-of-a-kind
treasure if the price is right. If you or any of your minions
would like to buy it, make an offer! No wooden Rupees! Ha ha
ha. (Attached to this email is a scan of the book cover.
I can send other scans if you want.)
Johar Briganza
Shimla, India
| My dear babuji,
I am perplexed by your offer since I never wrote a book
called Mera Naam Mooj. I think what you have
there is a forgery. The cover art is obviously suspect since it looks like my head has been cut and
pasted onto the body of circus performer. I have no idea
why someone would write such a book and use my name;
hopefully it contains material worth reading since you
obviously paid good money for it. |
Bonzer There Mate!
A secretary at my office has told others that
I’m very big down under and now everyone wants to be my sheila.
Bugger me dead if I’m lying mate! My problems began last
week when I ran into this sheila at a pub and we wound up
going back to her place. The next day at the office she
spread the fact that my snag was the size of a snapping log and
now all the other secretaries are constantly pestering me for
affection. Don’t get me wrong cobber, I know lots of
blokes out there would love to have a problem like this but not
me! I’m very religious and chaste. What should I do
mate?
"Dingo Don"
Perth, Australia
| I may die but
my Panth shall live forever! Even with pointless letters
like this! Listen Dingo Don, one can add honey to neem but
it is always bitter! That my foolish Australian friend is as
true today as it was when the Great Raja Yudhisthir was a
schoolboy, squatting happily among his peers in the mighty
Indus River. I like the fact that you consider yourself
religious and chaste. That’s an important step toward more
enlightened self-realization. Reducing the amount
of alcohol you intake and keeping your pants on would be the next logical step. |
Oh Great Sage!
How truly worthy you are! I turn to you
because I am in need of your omnipotent wisdom. A few years ago
I bought some property near Ellensburg, WA. It was an investment
property, comprising of approximately 20,000 acres. One day I
decided to take a ride up there and look over the property and
saw that there wasn’t much on the lot except a giant hole. When I say hole I mean hole! It’s
about 9 feet in diameter and really, really deep. I dropped a
rock down it to see how deep it was and never heard a splash or
anything. I was curious so I went back to my truck and got my
fishing rod out and tied an Alka Seltzer tablet to the hook. I
lowered the hook down as far as it would go and it never reached
the bottom (if it did, the Alka Seltzer would get
dirty or dissolve if it hit water –
that’s an old Eagle Scout trick). How deep could this
hole be? I wondered. The next day I returned with about
1,000 yards of fishing line and strung it all together. I tied
another Alka Seltzer to the line and lowered it into the hole.
Again, it never reached the bottom! This ain’t no lie,
Divine Swami! The next weekend my brothers and I returned with
about 5,000 yards of industrial-strength fiber optic cable. We
rigged a camera to the end and set up a TV monitor. We lowered
the device down the hole and still couldn’t find the bottom!!!
I have been back to that hole almost every weekend now since and
still haven’t reached the bottom! I have spent well over
$500,000 on cameras,
sensors, rigs, sensors, sonar buoys, eddy current emitters and 27,000 ft of fiber optic
cable and still haven't reached the bottom! How deep can this
stupid hole be? What’s in it? And better yet, why is it on my
damn property!!!!
"Marty"
Walla Walla, WA
| My dosti,
oh how I yearn to help you. I have sat up most of the
night meditating on your hole and I, too, cannot ascertain
its depth. My psychic visions tell me only that it is
deep. Deeper, in fact, than most men's souls. I suggest
you keep trying to find the bottom and then get back to me with
whatever you find. I'm as curious as you are. |
Dear Mooj,
I wear women’s underwear under my clothes
and I’m worried about what might happen if I have an accident
and have to be undressed in public by EMTs. I’m in my late 50s
and married to a wonderful woman. My wife has known about my
cross-dressing fetish for years and has accepted it, albeit
grudgingly. But I’m the CEO of a large company and I know that
if this ever got out I’d be ruined both socially and
financially. My children and grandchildren would probably be
humiliated, too. To be honest I didn’t give this much thought
until I began having regular dreams about getting hit by a bus
and then being undressed in public by paramedics. In my dream a
crowd of onlookers gather and they all laugh at me. My mother is
always in the crowd
and she is dressed like a clown. Other faces in the crowd
include The Lone Ranger, Spiderman, Batman, The Green Hornet,
Red Sovine and
Little Orphan Annie. What does it all mean?
Arturo Peña
President and CEO of [omitted]
Airlines
Scottsdale, AZ
| As I sit
here meditating on your problem I am reminded of a funny
story. It's a Yooper story (a Yooper is one who lives in the
U.P., i.e., upper
peninsula of Michigan ... a U.P.er, eh? get it?)
Anyway, I digress, here's the story:
|
A Yooper deer
huntin' story
Eino & Toivo, dey likes gittin'
out in da woods an huntin' dem deers, eh? An dey got a
good plan, too - dey split up to do dere huntin' but
if one of em hears da udder one shoot . . .well den,
he goes on over and helps clean da deer and drag it
back to da truck, eh? OK, so Toivo, he's sittin' dere
and right away here comes a big buck and Toivo, he
fires "POW" and he gits 'em with just one
shot. Boy o boy, he's a big one, too! So he waits on
Eino but Eino, he don't show up. He waits some more
but still no Eino. "Where da heck is dat
guy?" he says. So he cleans da deer and still no
Eino so he drags it back to da truck all by hisself
and he's pretty darn mad at that Eino now, eh? Den, he
heads over to where Eino was huntin' ta find out just
what da heck is going on. He finds em - dere he is,
sittin' on a log taken a dump and he's asleep!
"OK, I'll fix dat darn guy", says Toivo and
he goes and gits a big ole handful of dem deer guts
and den sneaks up and puts em right under Eino ..
right there where was takin' a crap see. Toivo goes
back to da truck and waits. Pretty soon, here come
Eino and he's lookin' pretty distressed, eh? So Toivo,
he says, "Eino, what's wrong wit you?" Eino
says, "Well, I was takin' a dump and when I
looked down I see I sit half my guts out onta da groun!!!".
"Holy wa !", says Toivo, "Are ya gonna
be OK?". "Ya, I tink so", says Eino.
"Wit da help a God and a good stick, I tink I got
most of em back in." |
Actually, after reading
this story I realize it had nothing to do with the question
at hand. I'm going to have to give your problem more
thought and get back to you later.
|
Dearest Mooj ...
Perhaps this question lies outside of the
realm of your expertise ... then again who can say? Do hippos
have Buddha Nature? I have heard others claim that hippos are
the dumbest of beasts but again ... who can say? I know of one
soul who would maintain that it is the Buddha who had Hippo
Nature ... that his enlightenment came not while sitting beneath
a bodhi tree ... but while observing hippos ... hmmm ... well
... coupling (so to speak) in the mud. Can you say?
Bowing with palms together ...
M. Perkins
PS ...
Any tips on how Prudential Life will fare in
the coming months?
| My enlightened
friend, I think you may be on to something. Or, should
I say, I think you may be "on"
something. I suggest you abstain from deep thinking
for a few days to rinse your mind of its burdens. As
far as Prudential Life goes, The Mooj recommends nothing
since I wouldn't want you or others to dump the stock in a
panic. |
Oh great and mighty Mooj,
Check this out.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A45870-2002Dec27.html
http://www.clonaid.com/
Does The Mooj offer any guidance to his
minions on this claim by the Raelians? We look to you to set our
moral compass. Perhaps your website should say something.
Yours in Eternal Devotion,
Pablo Amigo
Columbia, MD
| Babuji,
yes, The Mooj is very much aware of The Raelians.
People often confuse me for that Rael guy, since I too was taken up
in a spaceship. (Except I was only held captive and
prodded for a
few hours; I never got taught anything about cloning.) That
Rael guy also stole one of my best ideas, pretending that
God instructed him to form a racing team so that he could
use his follower's money to buy expensive race cars.
As far as I know The Mooj Racing Team is still alive
and prosperous out there somewhere. I'll have to try
and find those guys again. I'm sure they owe me money.
As far as Rael goes, I have no idea if he still has a race
team.
|
Mooj,
I don't know if you can help me, but I lost my
wedding ring . . . I need to know if someone has it or if it is
truly lost.
Roberta Wright, age 33
Coos Bay, OR
| Please don't
think I'm trying to be funny when I say this but my inner
psychic senses tell me that your ring is at the bottom of a big
hole somewhere. There's a distinct possibility it may
even be in that guy "Marty's" hole up in
Ellensburg, WA. |
Mooj,
Is my ex-boyfriend my soul mate? Will we get
back together or should I just pack up my life in FL
and head for CA?
Christina, age 22
Naples, Florida
| Danna,
danna, danna dupateyah sach das ve, mein kehrde pind muklave
jana! What I am trying to tell you my dear Soniya,
is that you are both wise and foolish at the same
time. There is an old Punjabi saying that goes as
such: There is no hand to catch time. I have no
idea how this applies in your case; I just wanted to tell
you that. As far as your ex boyfriend goes, c'mon, if
he was your soul mate, don't you think you would have known
it already? |
MOOJ,
WILL MY RELATIONSHIP START TO BE A HAPPY
LOVING RELATIONSHIP?
LISHELLE H., age 30
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA
| Often I hear
the whisperings of good reason in my head and it always
tells me the same thing: Sandhu dekh
hoya nee shudayee phirda photo teri batuey che payee phirda
Geet teri hee dupatte de oh gave Nee jind tardpave, Dupatta
tera sat rang da! Whether or not you can use this
advice depends on your ability to be truthful with yourself
(and your understanding of Punjabi). |
Mooj,
What is the outcome for Dylan and me? Will we
get back together?
Jeannette, age 83
| The Mooj sees
many things but he can't see this. Not that
it won't happen. I'm just having a hard time focusing
on your problem because I'm too busy trying to figure out
what's at the bottom of that guy in Washington's hole.
I'll try again tomorrow and get back to you with details (if
there are any). |
Mooj,
Do you see me and my husband reuniting soon?
Rebecca, age 33
Houston, TX
| Ah...., like I
said before I can't see anything really since my mind is
cluttered with other things. But don't feel annoyed
because I will at least leave you with an old Punjabi saying
that may or may not apply to your situation at hand: The
fly on the elephant's back thinks he is taller than the elephant.
Use that any way you see fit. |
Mooj,
First let me take a minute to thank you for
taking the time to read this e-mail. My question revolves around
the fact that I feel I am psychic. I have had psychics come up
to me on the street & tell me this was so, & I have seen
& heard things that others don't. However, I cannot control
when & how these things happen & I couldn't tell someone
their future. So am I psychic?? If so, how to I tap into my
abilities? One last thing I have been searching everywhere for a
job & can't get one. I have an extremely outgoing
personality, so what is the problem? & where do I belong?
Thank you so much for you help & time.
Sincerely,
Julie
| Quick, guess
how many fingers I'm holding up. If you guessed three
then you are indeed psychic! As far as career choices
go, try something in accounting. |
Mooj,
Please don't think we're being un Christain but
right before Christmas we pulled a name off our church's "giving
tree" and feel we are not obligated to give that person a
thing. On this tree are the names of several poor people from
West Virginia, whom our parish adopts during the holidays.
Normally we have no problem taking a name off the tree and getting
that poor person something. Except this time. The
"so-called" poor person wants a 4X shirt!
C'mon! If this guy's so friggen' fat that he has to wear a size
4X,
doesn't that mean he's probably spending too much money on junk food
and beer? Why should we have to buy him anything? How much food does a guy who wears a size
4X eat anyway? We bet it's over $500 a day! How can one be "poor" and still spend that kind of
money? Please understand that we have no problem giving a gift
to someone who is truly needy but this guy's gotta be full of
crap if he thinks he can weasel a free shirt from us!
Midge and Stefan,
Fallston, MD.
| How awful it
is that in these times more people die from eating too much
rather than too little. Not so long ago it was
the other way around. But, that shouldn't stop you
from being generous. This person obviously needs your
help or he wouldn't have submitted his name for your
church's giving tree. Lighten up already! By the way,
The Mooj has looked over his love offerings log and
observed that you and your wife haven't been exactly generous
lately. I suspect you're just a
couple of tightwads. No good karma can come from
neglecting your Mooj offerings! |
Mooj,
The other day I was reading a German beer magazine
and came across an article about the Haaf Stadt brewery in Düsseldorf. This brewery won all kinds of awards
for quality and taste and
now ranks in the top hundred worldwide!
The article had a picture of their new brew master. Isn't this
guy one of your minions?
Ryan Seethe,
Greenbelt, MD.
| There were a
few dozen other deserving letters in The Mooj Mail Bag but
I'm too tired to read anymore. Perhaps I will defer
them until next week. Or perhaps not ...... |
|
A Poem! A rather stirring
poem found its way into my mail bag last week. I
deleted it but when no other poems were sent in I had to
retrieve it from the Mooj Trash Bag. I won't say
anything more about it other than it should appeal to those
of you out there who are easily entertained.
"Pie
Are Squared"
or
Douleur
Dans le Café du
Perk's
(by The Poet formally known as Khukumokumoto, The Perk's Coffee
House In-House Bohemian)
|
Any similarity between persons
described in this poem and others in real life are purely coincidental
|
Here I sit, alone,
naked, fulfilled
Wait! You! There by the restroom!
Why do you hide? Why do you run when I chase you?
Are you scared others will shun you, like they do me?
Are you scared others will laugh at you, like they do to me?
I won't laugh! I can't.
Ha, I almost caught you!
You crafty little devil, you can't hide in that ladies room
forever!
Come Out!
Come Out!
Are you still in there?
Knock Knock!
Hello?
Please open the door
Okay Fine!
I'll wait here for eternity
(Sigh!)
|
|
|
Hey Amigos! Over the last few weeks requests for
minionship have continued to pour in. That's good. What
would be better is if these prospects also had the good sense
to buy official minion T-shirts! If you
think you have what it takes to be an official Mooj minion, fill out
and send in this
application today. If you just want to buy a minion T-shirt
(preferred) click here.
"NEW
MOOJ MINIONS!"
Contact_FullName: Wendy
Agnes Brown
Contact_Title: Housewife and Girl Scout
Troup Leader
Contact_Organization: None that I know of
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Midway City
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 92655
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: None
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 3/17/73
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-7
Personal_Weight: 130
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Burlingame, CA
School: I'm a high school graduate
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about
Something Special About Me:
I attended
Vida Blue's wedding in 1989.
Minion Application Essay:
I sat up all night trying to think of something clever to write
for my minion essay but I couldn't think of anything. Sorry.
Contact_FullName: Haram
Zadah
Contact_Title: Sales Rep (with company car and all)
Contact_Organization: Fanta Corp.
Contact_StreetAddress: 15 Park Mansions, 57 Park Street
Contact_City: Calcutta
Contact_State:
Contact_ZipCode: 700 01 6
Contact_Country: India
Contact_WorkPhone: 91 32 291793
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 72-10-16
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 83 cm
Personal_Weight: 90 Kg
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Lucknow, India
School: I went to college
Finances: Well off
Something Special About Me:
I am a 30 year old, well educated, well endowed
professional male that can provide unparalleled, safe companionship
for discerning females who dare to take on the Zadah Man!!!!
Minion Application Essay:
Oh Mooj, if you only knew
how lonely I am. Yes, people think I have it together
but I don't. When I walk down the street women swoon while men hang their heads in
shame, for I am too good looking man. I have large biceps and muscular legs and love to show
off my body in tank tops and Zuba-style pants. But get me behind closed doors and within the
intimacy of a bedroom and I fall to pieces. Yes, sometimes I
even cry. I am like a tiger who cannot
roar. Look down upon me with pity Great Sage and accept me into your
minion program; thus, I may one day gain the self confidence I
need to become a stud. The Zedah Man loves you. No doubt, yar!
Contact_FullName: "Bruce"
Contact_Title: Performance Artist
Contact_Organization: None
Contact_StreetAddress: Columbus Street
Contact_City: San Francisco
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: ?
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: none
Contact_HomePhone: none
Contact_FAX: none
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 2/26/69
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: Tall
Personal_Weight: Skinny
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Denver, CO
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about
Something Special About Me:
I am
what some people would call a loser.
Minion Application Essay:
[essay
omitted due to vulgarity. This minion was admitted on
probation.]
Contact_FullName: Tony
G.
Contact_Title: Sales Manager
Contact_Organization: Wilson Sporting Goods
Contact_StreetAddress: 8700 W. Bryn Mawr
Ave.
Contact_City: Chicago
Contact_State: IL
Contact_ZipCode: 60631
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 9/22/61
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6' 3"
Personal_Weight: 230
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Brea, KY
School: I have my MBA
Finances: Well Off
Something Special About Me:
Back when I
was a teenager I used to hang out with my friend Todd. We
used to kickback in his room on bean bag chairs listening to that Deep
Purple album Machine Head. There was a song on
the album called Space Truckin' and it was pretty cool. One
day Todd's mom came in the room and heard that song and got real
upset. She thought they were singing, "C'mon .....c'mon,
..... let's go Space ["F"] --king ....." instead
of "C'mon ..... c'mon, ...... let's go space truckin'."
She
took the record away. We were
totally bummed out.
Minion Application Essay:
I have been reading Swami
Mooj's writings for years and they are pure truth! Let the universe
echo these teachings, whatever the hell they are.
Contact_FullName: Joey
Harris
Contact_Title: Glove Box Technician
Contact_Organization: Dugway Proving
Grounds
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Dugway
Contact_State: UT
Contact_ZipCode: 84022
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 6/6/66 (for real!)
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-10
Personal_Weight: 225
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Lansing, MI
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Well off
Something Special About Me:
I just found out that my in laws are related to
Bernie Ward.
Minion Application Essay:
Om
Namo Narayanaya - I met you Most Humble Swamiji in Sturgis, during Bike Week
2002. You were in the next cell over. Thank you for allowing
me to touch your feet through the bars. I was blessed to be allowed
to meet you. I have given up all my worldly possessions to
follow your teachings. Actually, I didn't give them up
entirely; I just put them in a storage locker.
Contact_FullName: "Action
Jackson"
Contact_Title: Truck Mechanic
Contact_Organization: Freightliner
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Almosa
Contact_State: CO
Contact_ZipCode: 81101
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone:
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 8/30/73
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-3
Personal_Weight: 150
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Redlands, CA
School: I graduated high school
Finances: S.O.L.
Something Special About Me:
I'm still looking for that special woman. She has varied interests, is curious about the world, comfortable
expressing her likes and dislikes, delightful in her ability to
fascinate her man and in being loved tenderly. She values joy,
truth, beauty and justice more than success, and will share bouts of
intense, passionate awareness with all, alternating with tolerant
warmth while being totally absorbed in life. She also has
big tits. Are you that woman? If you are call me.
Minion Application Essay:
All I can see is you Great Swampi! Once I strayed from my
path towards you and you brought me back with your infinite message
of everlasting consciousness ..... never hurting, never scolding,
always so gentle… can I have a hug?
Contact_FullName: Danny
D.
Contact_Title: Manager
Contact_Organization: Taco Bell
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: San Ramon
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 94583
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone:
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 3/8/59
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6-0
Personal_Weight: 150
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Atlanta, CA
School: I went to college but never finished
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about
Something Special About Me:
I collect Wacky Packs.
Minion Application Essay:
I am very much impressed with the contents of this Website. My
humble suggestion is to maybe include something of value, like the
actual teachings of Sri Mujaputtia
Umbababbaraba. I've read every page of this website and didn't
find a single teaching. A holy pundit directed me here and told me the path
to absolute enlightenment leads through The Mooj. I met this pundit at
the Ashram in Chandi Chowk, New Delhi. I traveled to India in
hope of finding the true meaning of life, which I believe I am very
close to doing. Forgive me for being ignorant in the
beginning. I understand that true self-consciousness will come slowly
and only after much hard work, pain and prayer. Om Namaste Om!
Contact_FullName: Hans
Biffle
Contact_Title: Weapons Inspector
Contact_Organization: United Nations Monitoring, Verification
and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC)
Contact_StreetAddress: 220 E. 42nd Street
Contact_City: NY
Contact_State: NY
Contact_ZipCode: 10017
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 430302
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 80 Kg
Personal_Weight: 170 cm
Personal_HairColor: Blond
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Geneva, Switzerland
School: I have two PhD's
Finances: Well off
Something Special About Me:
I am on sabbatical from duties, traveling
throughout Europe and Asia from 22 Dec to 15 Feb. I can be
contacted through my office email at [omitted].
I check my email every few days.
Minion Application Essay:
I suspect this
to be a hoax. I learned of Sri Mujaputtia
Umbababbaraba while visiting Ashram in Chandi Chowk. A monk there told me that man can learn only from man,
and hence God teaches only through a human body. In Mooj, he told
me, we find the human ideal of perfection. Mooj is the pattern into
which all should mould themselves. He also said that only the man
who has already been to Badrinath will be able to tell you the road.
In the case of the spiritual path, it is still more difficult to
find your way since the mind will mislead you often. The Mooj will
be able to remove pitfalls and obstacles, and lead me along the
right path. Without this guidance, I was told, I might want to go to
Badrinath, but find myself in Bombay! The monk sounded very
convincing so I quickly gave him an offering and then returned to my
hotel to log onto your website. I'm sorry to say that I just don't
see what he was talking about. I'm totally missing the point. If this is a joke
website, please disregard this application.
Contact_FullName: Jim Schibetta
Contact_Title: Arrgh!
Contact_Organization: various
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_Address2:
Contact_City: Walla Walla
Contact_State: WA
Contact_ZipCode: 99362
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone:
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 9/27/1957
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5' 9"
Personal_Weight: 155
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Dunkirk, NY
School: I graduated from a prestigious private college
finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about
Something Special About Me:
In 1979, I appeared buck naked on stage (discretely covered with shaving cream) as one of the
"Menthol Men" in Orlando, FL.
Minion Application Essay:
Who cares? Why do you even want to ask if someone happens to be foolish enough to fill this
application out? Are you smoking something illegal in your pipe?
Can it be true? Yes,
a talented minion has sent us a wonderful .......
True Minion Story!
A Word From the Author: For
months I’ve been reading "coming of age" stories
from men. Don’t you think it’s about time that a woman
sent one in? Here’s mine. Hope you enjoy it.
"Steve
Wong, Super Stud"
by Carrie Wilson,
minion 1016
When I was a high
school senior in Mr. Briski’s
Social Studies class we got assigned this really stupid
project. We had to randomly select another person in the class
(male or female) and spend a whole day with them to
learn all we could about them and then write a report about
them. I forget why we
had to do it (or what it was intended to teach us); all I
remember is that I prayed that I would get paired up with
Freddy Vunderman. Freddy was a total hunk, who I had had a crush on
since 8th grade.
When the big day arrived Mr. B. put our
names in a hat and then called people up by rows to pick names
until everyone was paired. I sat there with my fingers
crossed, hoping beyond hope that I would get paired with
Freddy. The second person to pick a name was Kelly Allison and
she picked Freddy. I was so upset that I started to cry. After
that I was so distraught that I could care less about who I got paired with
and so I put my
head down on my desk. Before long most of the class was paired
up and I still hadn’t been picked. I was starting to get
anxious when horror of horrors occurred—Steve Wong got
called to select a name. I knew he was going to pick me—I
just knew it. Steve was the biggest dork in the whole
school!
I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and
listened while Steve walked to the front of the classroom in
his stupid squishy fruit boots. God, he was such a dork! Then
there was this eerie silence while Steve’s fat greasy little
fingers pulled a name from the hat and unfolded the slip of
paper. "Please God, don’t let it be me....…"
I prayed. But it was.
I just about died! I’m serious. I sat
there with my mouth open while everyone else in the class
started giggling.
The report wasn’t due until after
Christmas vacation so we had about two months to work on it. I
avoided Steve all November and most of December. But toward
the end of December (when it was getting close to Christmas
vacation) Steve cornered me in the lunch quad and said,
"Please do this project with me! This report is worth
half our grade! I know you don’t care about school but I’m
applying to Stanford and I need good grades. Please!"
I felt so bad for the dork that I said that
instead of spending the whole day with him I’d meet him at
the mall and maybe spend a half-hour with him. He was grateful
and thanked me.
The night before I was supposed to meet
Steve at the mall he called and told me that he couldn’t
make it the next day so he had to meet me that night instead.
It was Friday and there was no way in hell I was going to
waste Friday night on a loser like him but he hung up before I could tell
him that. Ten minutes later I heard his car
come screeching to a halt in my driveway and then he started
honking his horn. "Oh my God!" I thought.
Steve kept honking over and over again
until finally my mom came upstairs and told me to go outside
and tell him to stop. When I went
outside Steve grabbed me and threw me into his car.
"Oh my God, what are you doing?"
I screamed.
"I told you I was coming to get you,
didn’t I?" he said. He then put his car in reverse,
popped the clutch, stomped on the accelerator and did a
burnout backwards out of my driveway. Then he put the car in
first gear, popped the clutch and did another long burnout
down the street. I was mortified because all my neighbors were
outside watching.
"Take me home now, you stupid moron!"
I yelled. But he ignored me and said that I had promised him a
half-hour so he was going to take a half-hour. Just when I
thought it couldn’t get any worse Steve pulled into the
parking lot of a liquor store. "You want
anything?" he asked as he put on a ski mask and pulled
out a gun. I just sat there with my mouth open. "Keep the car running!" he said and
went away.
"Is that dork insane?" I
thought. Then before I knew it he came running back to the
car, fired a shot at a man who was running after him, slid
across the hood of the car, climbed in through the driver’s
side window and sped away!
"OH MY GOD! You just robbed that liquor
store!!" I screamed.
He just laughed and told me to pipe down. The next thing I knew we were speeding through
alleys and back streets and I could hear sirens all over the
place. My heart was beating a mile-a-minute! I’m not
sure what it was about that moment but I was totally excited. I
mean really excited! I had never experienced anything like
that before—it was a total rush!
The rest of the night is fuzzy and I can’t
remember much except that we knocked off two or three
more liquor stores, got chased by more cops, blew up something with
a pipe bomb and then finally parked in front of my house and
had the most amazing makeout session I ever had in my life!
When it was over I was covered from head to toe in hickeys and
Steve pushed me out of his car onto the curb. As I lay there
in the mud he drove away.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT A NIGHT!!!!!!!" I
thought as I staggered to my feet, readjusted my clothing and
then began walking slowly back toward my house. My heart didn’t
stop racing for two or three days afterwards.
As far as the report goes I can't remember
what I wrote about. It certainty wasn’t the truth. I have no idea
what Steve wrote about either, but he got an A. It must
have been awful, though, because Mr. B. always gave me this strange
look afterwards. Most confusing of all was afterwards Steve Wong never spoke to me again!
I tried to say
hi to him in the hallway but he just ignored me. I
was totally in love with him. He was such a
stud! It was the freakiest thing ever. To this day I
still can’t explain it and think about him all the time!
Where are you Steve Wong?????? Call me!!!!
Hey
loyal and loving minions! Can it be true? Yes,
it's another .....
True Minion Story!
Pea
Soup
by
"Steamer"
A Note From The Author:
This is a story about a Road Warrior on his way home after
selling his body and soul for a few bucks. This was related to
me by my Brother Mountain-man, Lightnin' Len.
 He
was on his way back home ... making his way up the Left Coast
from So Cal up to the great state of Washington. Now, he's
been what we call a "road warrior" or "migrant
nuclear worker" for quite some time and he's made this
trip many times. He plans it so that he can stop by a little
roadside place named Anderson's and pick up a large cup of
their famous Pea Soup. Len claims it is the best in all the
land and he never passes up an opportunity to stop in on his
travels. So he's got it to go and is cruising on up the road.
At the next gas stop, he's refueling when he notices a cute
blond checkin' him out !!! Man, she is beautiful ... green
eyes and long hair and ... she keeps looking at him !!! She
has a somewhat quizzical look on her face ... like perhaps she
thinks she might know him but just can't place him. Man, he
thinks ... there's my in. I'll just start out by saying,
"Don't I know you ?" So now he's ready and puffs all
up like a rooster showing off his plumage trying to impress a
hen with his power and self-assurance that he is the best
thing she's ever gonna experience. Oh yeah, he's aroused and
way into it. He's strutin' around in his best Mountain Man
walk . . . and he can see that she's taking it all in. He
figures he's got just enough time to hit the restroom and
relieve himself and then time it to meet her inside at the
counter when she pays for her gas.
He goes to the bathroom ... washes his hands
and then glances into the mirror to see that all his feathers
are smoothed and in place. Hmmmmm ??? What ??? uh ... what the
h... !!!! ??? Aaaarrruuuuuggghhhh!!!!! He looks at his face
and there, covering most of his mustache and trailing down one
side of his beard ... is a great big glistening gob of
yellow-green dried pea soup !!!!! Anderson's Pea Soup !!! The
best Pea Soup in all the land !!!!!! And this is what she has
been staring at . . . in disbelief no doubt. And now he knows
the reason for that look on her face ... she can't believe
they actually let this goofy-lookin', stupid, backwoods,
obviously brain-damaged hick with dried puke and snot all over
his face drive on the roads!!!! He's obviously a pervert and
intent on raping and killing her as he keeps glancing in her
direction with that idiotic stupid grin. She's probably called
the cops by now!!! And our brave road warrior cowers in that
stinkin' restroom until she has paid and left the station. And
then he starts laughing and continues to do so for the entire
trip back home. There's great energy and power to be gained by
being able to laugh at oneself. And, if you can do so, you
don't ever have to worry about not being entertained. I love
this story and I make him tell it every time I see the lad.
And we laugh and laugh and laugh at all of the stuid things we
do. It's always a good thing to not take oneself too seriously
and every now and then, if we're lucky, we get to experience
something like Len went through and it's a great centering and
grounding experience. He he . . . makes me smile, man.
"I'm so thankful for the friends I do receive. "
-tom waits-
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Well, I was going to announce the winner of last year's Mooj Awards
in this newsletter but we just ran out of time. I promise to devote a portion of
the next newsletter to these awards. Since I have a little space
left here in the conclusion I will, however, tell one and all that Andy Coffucci is, yet
again, Minion of the Year! Wow, what does that make
it, four years in a row? Good work Andy! What a
guy! We are very proud of you! Runners up included Vic Taylor (#507),
Veejay Gupta (#544) and Paul Grimes (#1033). An honorable mention went to "Big
Ell" (#1092), Cindy Williams (#1084) and Mike Elliot (#825). Sadly, last place went to "Teach"
Lusby (#1113). C'mon "Teach," get with the program!
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