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Hey, Wuzzzzzzup!!!
Guess who???? It’s me, your old pal Lance Cpl.
"Barry" Graham, last seen knockin’ boots with the 82nd
Mortar platoon, Battalion Landing Team 3/6, 26th Marine
Expeditionary Unit in Afghanistan. If my name doesn’t ring a bell
then it's because you’ve been smoking too many mango peels up there in
your inner sanctum of good vibes. I used to be your
secret anonymous source from The Washington Post. (Even if you
don’t remember me I’m sure your readers do.) Anyway, sadly, or
happily, depending on how you look at it, I’m not in the Marines
anymore. I got kicked out due to one of those "don’t ask—don’t
tell" offences. (Doink!) Being in the Marines sucked. Being in
Afghanistan sucked even more.
These days I’m back in Washington D.C. trying to
get my job back at The Post. No easy task I assure you,
especially since I told my old boss to shove a corn dog up his
exhaust pipe before I quit to join the Marines. (Dhoooh!)
Oh Wise and Grizzly Guru, now that I’m back in
the States I've decided to become one with you again and have,
thus, lovingly, longingly, and blissfully caught up with your many
merry adventures by reading your
most-recently archived newsletters. Now that I’ve done this I can
see that you haven't done anything besides sit around the Mooj Cave, drink
beer, puff on the ol’ harmony pipe and pick flies out of your
beard. Hello! Knock knock? Anyone there?
On a half-serious note before I came back to
America I spent a few weeks in India, staying with my old high
school pen pal in New Delhi. This pen pal friend of mine lives in Chandi Chowk
with his uncle. The
uncle owns a sweetmeat shop and is a certified nut. His
shop is next to a temple and whenever some westerner comes
in mistaking the shop for the temple he sits them down, blesses them
with his feet, lights some incense, chants, does a finger puppet
dance, recites naughty Bengali limericks, and then tells this person
that
the answers to all life's questions are found on Mooj.com!!!! Ha ha
ha! This
guy sounds so convincing that even I believed him after a
while. I kept
thinking, "Is this lard ass laddoo-wallah talking about
the same Swami Mooj I know?" Man, that guy cracked me up.
Hey, I bet you didn’t know this but you're
pretty popular in Chandi Chowk. I saw your picture everywhere (mostly on Wanted
Posters—ha!) and several people claimed to be your illegitimate
offspring. One deranged looking fellow even made the claim that he
was your recently deported from America Man-Monkey nephew Mogender
Singh. I had no idea if this guy was telling the truth but he did
have most of his facts right. He wanted me to tell you that he
misses you and hopes you’ll forgive him for all the trouble he
caused.
Well, that’s about all I can write on such short
notice. Now that I’m back in Washington I’ll start making the
rounds and see what insider-info is out there for you. Take care you
Big Hairy Banana! I still love you!
Yours Most Truly,
Barry (ex anonymous source guy) Graham
| Ah yes, our old friend
Barry Graham. I was wondering what happened to this guy. Now that he's back in America I'm looking forward
to hearing from him again. |
Dearest Byya Mooj,
Last summer we bought the house of our dreams in
Southern Maryland. It’s
an old stone farmhouse that sits on about 12 wooded acres
overlooking the St. Mary's River. Quakers built
this place in the early 1820s. When my husband and I saw it we instantly fell in love and made an offer. We were astounded that
the owner agreed to sell it to us since our offer was much less than
the asking price.
Now that we’ve lived in the house for a few
months we’re begging to think that something is wrong. Don’t get
us wrong, we love this place. True, it needs work but what old house
doesn’t? The problem is that every time we go into town the locals
give us strange looks and whisper things about us. It started the
day we moved in and I went to the post office to change our address.
When I turned in the card the post office guy gasped and said something, like, "Oooooh,
so you’re the
one that bought that place!" The post office, which had
been bustling with activity, instantly fell silent. I looked around
and saw nothing but terrified faces. I asked what was wrong but
nobody would say anything. They wouldn’t even make eye contact
with me! It was so weird.
Now everywhere we go people avoid us completely.
They even stop talking when we walk into the room. What’s wrong with
the house? Is it haunted or something?????
Raj and Raakhee Mahmood
Bayport, MD (near Dutchman's Cove)
| Oyla
Mehbooba! The
Mooj has no feelings of anything unnatural occurring in your
house and suspects that your problems may lie deeper within
the anti-Hindustani racism that occurs so frequently around the
World. As soon as I get my new Ashram
built I'll come out there and perform a hunger strike on your
front lawn for you to showcase your plight. |
Sri Mooj,
Sometimes people hurt people without even knowing it. Such a thing happened twenty-five years ago when I stood up
this girl named Sally Harvey for the prom. To make a long story
short I asked her to the prom and then never showed up to take her. I forget why,
but I did.
Last week I attended my 25th high
school reunion. I wasn’t even going to go but one of my old
friends talked me into it. While my wife and I were
standing at the check in table a woman came up to me and started screaming. She
ranted and raved for almost an hour about how I ruined her life,
ruined her self-esteem, caused her to become a drug and alcohol addict,
made her fat, ruined her reputation, made her become a devil worshiper,
..... yadda, yadda, yadda.
I was so embarrassed! When she finished I said, "Who are
you?" I guess that was the wrong thing to say because then she really blew up! My poor wife
had no idea what to do or say. Finally someone told me that the
woman was Sally
Harvey and I realized what all the fuss was about.
So here’s the deal: what should I do now?
Everyone thinks I’m the biggest A-hole in the world. They even
asked me to leave the reunion. My wife won’t
even talk to me because she says I’m a jerk. I'm not! I want
to make things cosmically right with the universe again. Should I send
Sally a card, flowers or candy? Also, can you help me remember
what it was I did on prom night that was more important? Please Help Me!!!!!!
Your most loving minion,
#924
Plains, Georgia
| Dil Ne Phir Yaad Kiya!
Yes,
sometimes our paths are cluttered with poor judgments and
others come along and stumble because of them. I have no
idea how you can make Sally Harvey's life better but, perhaps,
you
can improve your karma somewhat by
making a sizable donation to my all-new Ashram building fund.
As far
as what you did on the night of your prom my holistic
visions tell me nothing other than you were with a
friend named "Bubba," and the two of you drank a bottle of Wild Turkey while listening to the Allman
Brother's Eat a Peach album.
|
Mooj,
How do I unlock my psychic powers??
David Riggs, age 20
Zanesville, OH
| It would be a far
better thing had you asked, Mooj how do I get a job? Now that you are
fully grown don't you think it's about time you got a real job? As far as your psychic powers
go, The
Mooj recommends you leave the psychic thinking to enlightened
people like me. |
Mooj,
I have worked with this guy where I work for about
4 years now and I've been head over heels in love with him from day
one. Well he's finally moving on with his life and is going off to
college about two hours from here and who knows when I will see him
again. All I've ever wanted is just a kiss from him. Well, my
friends are having a get together for him and I'm swinging by his
house to pick him up to take him there, so I will also be driving
him home and this will be the last time I say good-bye to him before
he moves away. I want to ask him if I can give him a kiss good-bye
just as friends, but I'm scared I may be rejected. Should I ask him
or not?
Amanda Ontko, age 22
Martins Ferry, Ohio
| My dear balushai,
how kind and gentle you sound. By all means make your
heart's desire known and this friend will oblige.
But beware! If he's had too much to drink at his going
away party then he might give you more than a kiss. |
Mooj,
My ex boyfriend and I have started talking again
after not talking for a year. I like him again and I think he likes
me. He came over to my house and he acted like he belonged there. He
was tickling me and sitting on my lap playfully. When I asked him
about going out on a date he said we'll see. I just want to know if
that means we're going to get back together. I don't want to make a
fool of myself but I need some answers! When a guy asks you what underwear
you're wearing and says he cares about you does it mean he
just wants to be friends?
Melissa, age 19
somewhere in MI
| The great French scientist
Voltaire (I think he invented the battery) once said to
succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must
also be well-mannered! Oh how true! Tell
this romance interest of yours to learn some manners before you'll
consider his affections genuine. |
Mooj,
What do you see as my career situation developing
over the next few weeks or months?
Bahman Lashgari, age 40
Davis, CA
| If I may, perhaps, quote Voltaire
once again by saying that God is
a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to
laugh. This, my mujhse dosti karoge,
applies ever so slightly in your present situation. |
WILL THE GUY I DREAM OF AND THINK ABOUT WANT ME
TOO?
SHERR AYERS, age 26
| Yes my Chandni, the man you dream of will want you. Just make sure he is
"Mr. Right"! To be sure I suggest you take my
"Is My Man the Right
Man" quiz. This quiz was specifically designed for
a woman like you. |
I am desperate for money, but I suffer from
nervous tics so I cannot get a job. What do I do?
Christian Fleuriot, age 40
Margate, Kwazulu-Natal, South Africa
| Dosti mut, when your
letter first arrived and was posted on our "You Gotta
Read This One" bulletin board, one of my interns laughed and suggested that I
say something witty, like, you should take a tick bath (pretending like I misunderstood what kind of tics you were
suffering from). I scolded this intern and fired him on the
spot! How dare someone find merriment in your tragic
situation! There is no room for banality in my everbounding heart!
Now on to your problem: I
suggest you learn to meditate and reduce the amount of red
meat in your diet. Abstain from excessive drinking and
sex as well. If by some chance you actually meant
"Tick" instead of "Tic," then a tick bath
would also help.
|
Bander-log!
The law of karma is very
decisive! Everything is taken into consideration, including one's
ignorance. Thusly, improper acts performed by those who know better
bring much harsher Eternal punishments than the same acts performed
by lowly imbeciles. I'm not sure how you will be dealt with
when you are reincarnated but I'm
sure you will suffer. Those that
find humor in other people's enlightenment make me sick! Also,
the
laddoos I bought at your temple sucked!
[omitted]@idolonfox.com
| The Mooj has no idea what
this person is talking about. |
Should I stick with the man I'm currently seeing?
Will I be happy in a serious relationship with him?
M.T, age 34
| The true meaning of your
relationship is best tested using Is My Man the Right
Man quiz. I have already
advised it to another lovelorn woman above. (This is simpler
than me having to try and figure out your nefarious situation.) But
remember:
Hum dil de chuke sanam!
|
Mooj,
When I was an undergraduate student at The University of Delaware
several
of my fraternity brothers and I made donations
to a local sperm bank after a night of excessive drinking. I really didn't need the money, it was
more of an peer acceptance thing.
Now I am in my late 40s and have no known heir. This is important
because I am a multi-millionaire and am preparing my trust and can't help but wonder if by some
chance I may have fathered a child with my donated sperm. I
would like to provide for this child if that is the case. What say you great
swami? Can you help me find any long lost offspring?
"Doug"
Dover, DE
| The ancient Chinese genius Chang Heng once
wrote that the reverse side also has a reverse side. I'm
not sure how this applies to you but it
does. I sat up most of the night meditating on your
problem and, sadly, found little to reflect upon since my psychic envisions were
slightly obscured. Perhaps a nice little donation to my new
Ashram fund might clear things up! |
I just want to know if a coworker who claims to
like me is just playing with my head or not.
Shawna Hawk, age 28
| Probably. But maybe
he isn't. The only way to be sure is to ask his best
friend. (Unless he's in on the joke, too.) |
Most Holy One,
Mooj of the rising sun, I come to you with a heavy
heart. I am perplexed, bewitched, bothered and bewildered. I seek
your sage wisdom, Sri Mujaputtia. Like the six factor formula which
leads the fast neutron to it's fissionable end, I have tried to
follow the 8-fold path to enlightenment - my karma has led me down
many paths only to end up with my head stuck up someone's [butt]. It is
as if Brahma himself has sent me to the dogs and left me with only
the barren bitches that are too dry to [mate with]. What to do, Mooj???
It's as if The Dolly Llama himself has sat on my face and blown the hot gas of turmoil
into my soul.
Budadunga Majaperty, my sixth wife, left me just
last week for a Sikh dung salesman in San Diego. Much to my
surprise, within a few days I noticed small strange sores on my
loins. Sri, I don't know what to do.......this gem of my life, the
mother of 14 of my 32 children has left me with nothing but the
residue from a bad night in Olongapo. My physician said it is the
worst case of pediculosis pubis he had ever seen - she probably was
infested from that damn dung salesman before she left........I gave
her the best 4 inches of my life, and this is
how she treats me? Oh, Mooj, is this my karma? Can I not expect more
for my suffering??
If this insult is not bad enough, during my
physical examination my kind doctor conducted a routine colonoscopy.
My Mooj, guiding path of light, my doctor found four polyps which
fluoresced in the dark like a neutrino looking for a quark. If that
wasn't bad enough, he also found an old TLD dated January 1979 that
had been pegged at 5 REM since Vishnu knows when. I vaguely remember
a permissive ELT in the aft ELT shack getting kind of personal one
evening on watch, but I don't remember much - I always thought I had
tasted a bit of a Roofie in my coffee - now I know why. Mujaputtia,
what do I do, where do I go?? My karma seems crammed up my [rectum] with
a TLD!!! Is there any way out????
Sincerely, Your devout follower,
Srihari Keptaburden Offmychest,
| When my interns were
sorting the Mooj mail they allowed this particular letter to slip
through. I'm not sure why. Perhaps they thought it was a legitimate cry for
help. It's a cry for help alright; but it's not the kind of help
I can give. I suggest this person seek a psychiatrist. |
Mooj,
You have to help me! My father is a total Mooj Head and I
know he'll listen to you. When I was 13 years old I told him that I would do anything
he wanted no matter what it was if
he let me go to the New Kids on the Block concert. He
made me sign this contract agreeing that if I went to the concert
(which I did) that I would have to obey one wish of his no matter
when it was. I signed it because ... well, I was only 13 and I
didn't think he was serious.
Now I am 30 and engaged to be married to a guy named Roberto. My dad
totally hates Roberto. Last night we got into a big fight when
I refused to leave Roberto so he pulled out his stupid contract and showed me that I
had agreed
to obey one wish and that wish was that I not marry Roberto. I'm going to marry
Roberto whether he likes
it or not but maybe you can talk some sense into him. It would
make things easier for everyone involved. Just because Roberto
is in prison doesn't mean he can't be a good husband.
Candy T.
Fresno, CA
| This Roberto seems like a
decent enough fellow; however, I'm afraid I'll have to side
with your father on this one. A father always knows best
when it comes to things like this! |
Please someone help me with this. Over the summer
I fell head over heels with this guy Joe, and he fell for me. We
were going to go to college together in the spring and start a relationship
but things changed. He is so different and everything
stresses him out he says i changed but i didn't. all his friends
said he is crazy about me but they don't know whats wrong either.
Hes so stressed and i know his mom is bi polar and i'm thinking
maybe hes getting scared he might have it, or has it. I love him so
much i don't care about that i just wanna help him out, hes a great
guy the best i ever met. Right now he has disappeared for a couple
of days and im soo worried about him. Do u see him being ok, i just
care about him so much its killing me hes like
this. should i stop trying to be with him and just be his friend?
his birthday 03/22/83
Jessie Fay, age 24
Clemson, SC
| My sweet little bul-bul,
how painful love can be! Your heart is being tested but
your love shall certainly prevail. |
IS THE CURRENT MAN IN MY LIFE THE ONE FOR ME
Jennie Whelan, age 26
Albert Lea, Minnesota
| I don't know. Take
the "Is My Man the Right
Man" quiz and find out. |
I really like this guy, Matthew Holmes, but I
don't really know him! I want to ask him to Prom and I don't know
how. What should I do?
Julia Tran, age 17
Ontario, Canada
| The Mooj senses this boy
will be receptive to anything coming from you. I get no
bad vibes from him .... or at least I don't think they're
bad vibes. I do get an itch, though. I'm not sure
what that means. |
Dear Mooj -
Recently I have been plagued by a certain phone prankster. He goes by the name of Lyle
Johnson, although I'm not sure that is his exact first name since he usually calls drunk.
Drunk as a dog in heat to be exact. He claims he needs blood draws, is it possible he could be
a vampire in disguise? You know what I'm sayin'? Any psychic insight would be appreciated!
Your dedicated Mooj Minion, #616
| The Mooj senses that this
Lyle Johnson is a genuine person and needs your help. You
should take his calls more seriously. I'm not sure about
the blood draw part though. |
I in love with someone, are we married with each
other?
Faisal R., age 25
Khobar, Dammam, Saudia Arabia
| I'm not sure why you need
my help. Don't you have a local bureau of records person
you could ask? |
Are my soon to be in laws up to no good?
Christina Smith, age 26
| Soft words butter no
parsnips; but they won't harden the hearts of any cabbages
either. |
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