Dearest Mooj,
When I was fifteen I decided to run
away from home and join the circus. That was back in 1963 when joining the
circus meant something. I traveled all over the country and met lots of
great people, including my first three wives. Along the way I learned some
great tricks and became pretty famous as a sideshow freak. Then last year I
realized that there was something missing in my life. I didn’t know what
it was until I found your web site. Now my life is fulfilled! Hail thee,
most worthy Mooj!
Salvador Romano,
Glen Falls, NY
The Mooj is happy for you Salvador. As soon as they clean up all the
flooding damage at that T-shirt factory in Guatemala and can get them kids
back to work I’ll send you an official Mooj Head T-Shirt.
Dear Mooj,
Back when I was a kid I found this old
letter inside my grandpa’s army jacket. The jacket was in a suitcase up in
his attic. I read the letter but it didn’t really make much sense because
I was only about 10 years old at the time. I put the letter in a comic book
and then lost track of it. Last year I found that comic book in a box of old
things and was amazed to find that old letter still inside it. It was dated
August 1945 and was written by some French girl. In the letter the French
girl told my grandfather that he was the father of her newborn son. Since my
grandfather kept the letter I can only assume that the child was really his.
(My grandfather died in 1998 by the way.) My grandparents were married in
the early 1940s and so if this child really was my grandfather’s then he
must have been fooling around during the war. Anyway, to make a long story
short I traveled to France and found this boy (now an old man). I was amazed
to see that he looked just like my grandfather. This person knew nothing
about his father other than it was an American GI. When I told this man that
I was his long-lost nephew he cried and was so happy to meet me. He then
asked to meet others in our family. I advised against it since my grandma
was still alive and it would undoubtedly upset her if she learned about his
existence. But my new uncle was adamant and so I relented and brought him
back to America disguised as a visiting professor from Prague. I then
introduced him to my family while he used a fake Austrian accent to hide his
true identity. Now something terrible has happened. He and my Aunt Teresa
(who is his half-sister) are engaged! My new French uncle told me that he
doesn’t care if Aunt Teresa is his half-sister and warned me to mind my
own business. He’s even threatened to have Aunt Teresa cut me out of her
will (she’s very, very, very rich) if I cause him any trouble. What should
I do? I never anticipated anything like this happening. I was just trying to
do something nice for someone.
H. Jeffries,
Great Falls, WY
All The Mooj can say
is that’s what you get for sticking your big fat nose where it didn't
belong! Sometimes it is better let sleeping dogs lie! I suggest you tell
your other uncles about what’s going on and you guys can work it out
amongst yourselves which one of you will send "Uncle Pierre"
packing.
Dear Mooj,
Several months ago I met this
wonderful girl at church and we began seeing each other on a regular basis.
At the present moment we are not physically active (if you get my drift).
She has hinted several times that she is ready to move our relationship into
that realm of activity but I’m a good Christian boy and my church
forbids that sort of behavior. She’s totally cool and I really think I
love her. I’m pretty sure that we’re going to get married as soon as we’re
both 18 but that’s another four years! I don’t think I can wait that long!
Since we’re going to get married anyway do you think it’s okay if we …you
know… dance?
Baptist Bob,
Woodruff, SC
Gee Baptist Bob, you
sound like a really nice kid. (You’re definitely nicer than most of the
other derelicts from your age group that seem to send me letters.) If dancing will
make you and your girl happy then I can see no harm in that. That is,
unless, what you mean by "dancing" is what non Baptists call …you know….sex.
Yo!
Back when I worked at McDonalds I used
to always pick up on chicks, especially when I worked at the Drive Thru
window. My best line was, "Hey babe, you want some of this to go
with your french fries? Chicks would always drive off pretending to be
disgusted because I exposed myself but then they would always come back and
give me their phone number. I was so cool back then.
Josh,
Kirbyville, TX
Hey Josh, as far as
The Mooj is concerned you’re still cool. (Yeah, about as cool as Vanilla
Ice.)
Moojer,
I just found out that my mom and dad
are joining this cult. They’ve been brainwashed into thinking that they’re
flying to Jupiter on a magical spaceship to get cloned. They’ve given the
cult leader all their money and property. My brothers and I have tried to
talk sense into them but they’re beyond hope. They used to be really smart
and I can’t for the life of me understand why they would fall for
something as ridiculous as this. But that’s
not why I’m writing to you. Here’s what I need to know. What stocks do
you recommend this week?
Philip Krueger
This Philip Krueger
sounds like quite a guy. (Wasn't this the same man that wrote in last week to
tell us all that he was having an affair with his admin assistant?) Since I
am not one to judge others by their stupidity I will gladly give Mr. Krueger
more useful stock market advice. He can take it or leave it, The Mooj
doesn't care. This week I recommend the
following stocks from the S&P MidCap 400 Index: JEC, MUR, JNY, SYMC, ACF,
ASD or BKH.
Yo, T-Bone Mooj, whazzzup?
It is I, your humble and anonymous cub
reporter pal from The Washington Post. Sorry I didn’t write last
month. I was too busy sitting in for the vacationing
assistant deputy food critic here at The Post. But fret not Mahatma
Man, for I haven’t forgotten you completely. I still manage to check the
daily wire services and national police blotters to see what you’re up to.
I must say that I’m impressed. You’ve actually been a good boy lately! I
hardly ever see anything reported that could be attributed directly or
indirectly to someone resembling you or your Uzbek-Punjabi ways. In fact, I pretty
much lost track of you since last April 10, when you stole a golf cart in
Newport, Indiana. (At least I think it was you. The police blotter said only
that the suspect was a Punjabi-looking homeless man dressed in a bright
orange loincloth. If that wasn’t you then forgive me for my insinuation.)
I gather from your most recent
newsletter that you’re now hanging with the homies in Chicago’s
legendary south-side. I guess that’s as good a place as any for a
Uzbek-Punjabi such as yourself since from what I hear Chicago has the
largest concentration of Punjabis outside of Canada. I’m sure your bud J.J.
Bigsby will have a hard time finding you since you should blend right in.
Speaking of Bigsby, I have no idea where he is these days. I try to keep tabs on
him, too, but to be honest I haven’t seen or heard much about him since he
was last photographed rioting in Cincinnati (and that was a few days before
the other ‘more famous’ riots).
Anyway I have nothing else to report.
I must now bid you fond-farewell and head off to work. Chow for now, chump.
-Anon
As usual The Mooj is
always happy to hear from his anonymous cub reported pal at The
Washington Post. The Mooj denies any knowledge of any stolen lawnmower
in Newport, Indiana.
This week I received a
dozen (or so) nasty letters from irate minions asking me to put an end
to the
Jules Vermilion action adventure series. To avoid any hurt
feelings I will post only three of these anti Jules Vermilion
letters below. I should point out that these emails were the
"nicest" of the lot. |
For God’s sake! Would you please
tell that idiot Jules Vermilion to get on with his story! For four whole
[omitted] months now we’ve been waiting to read about his stupid sea
adventures on the Enterprise (CVN 65) and he hasn’t even made it to the
stupid ship yet! I recommend that you dump Jules from your newsletter and
start telling your Travels with Mooj stories again. At least they had a
point!
Jerry Kennedy,
Hobbs, NM
Mooj,
Oh My God….How stupid can that Jules
Vermilion guy be? Please stop putting his stupid navy stories in your
newsletter! I read the Mooj Weekly Standard for inspiration—not to
be bored to tears!
Randy Trenton,
Petersburg, VA
Dear Mooj,
Please stop putting those stupid navy
stories in your newsletter. I’d rather stick a bamboo shoot up my
[omitted] and hop around like a kangaroo than read any more of that mindless crap!
Tom Robinson,
Columbia, MD
Dear Mooj,
In your April 22 newsletter you
included a letter from a "Bubble Head Bob." This person alluded to
the fact that there was a secret backroom at the Horse and Cow Bar in
Vallejo, CA, where submarine sailors once performed certain pre-cruise
rituals involving sodomy and human sacrifices. I speak on the behalf of
thousands of past and present submarine sailors when I say that this
"Bubble Head Bob" person is obviously a fake. A real submariner
would never reveal such a thing. Those rituals are sacred to a submariner
and things that may have or may not have happened in that secret back room
of the Horse and Cow Bar are not to be discussed outside the submarine
community. I ask that you remove the "Bubble Head Bob" letter from
your April 22 newsletter and never publish any email messages from this
fraud again. Thank you.
MMCM (SS) "Dolphin Danny"
Dominguez, USN Ret.
"Dolphin
Danny," huh? That sounds about as phony as "Bubble Head Bob."
The Mooj will make a mental note not accept email from either of you two
idiots again. How’s that for fairness?
Mooj,
A few months ago I met this really
cool guy in an AOL Chat Room. He and I became good friends and we began
sending e-mail to each other every day. Slowly I began to fall in love with
him and then he asked me to send a picture of myself. I freaked out because
I’m not exactly that good looking so instead of sending him my picture I
sent him a picture of Jennifer Lopez. He wrote back that he thought I was
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and said he wanted to marry me. To
make matters worse he sent me his picture and he looked just like Ricky
Martin! What should I do?
Karen Tox,
Vero Beach, FL
To be honest The Mooj
thinks this guy is just messing around with your fragile head. Guard
you heart against such idiocy! I could be wrong but I’m usually not.
Mooj,
The other day I saw this thing in the
Drudge Report that said that Tom Cruise was suing some gay porno star
for making outlandish claims about them spending an evening together. All
this talk about gay porno stars got me thinking about your old pal Lance
Worthy. What ever happened to that guy? Just curious.
-Unsigned-
Sadly, The Mooj has no
idea where Lance Worthy is. I am now beginning to become concerned since Lance has been
missing for a number of months.
Dear Mooj,
I met a wonderful man on holiday in
Haifa, Israel when I was there celebrating my 50th birthday and I just can't
stop thinking about him. We met on his last night there and we walked along
the beach and kissed. He was a very honorable man and because he was married
we didn't sleep together. He said that I was the most special woman he ever
met and that I would be in his dreams for the rest of his life. He left the
next morning and all I know about him is that his friends call him
"Puff-Dawg" and that he’s a drywall installer from Gary,
Indiana. My life has fallen apart since I came back from Israel. I broke my
leg in a jetski accident, got swindled by my former business partner, found
out that my grandson is now in a motorcycle gang, and my sister just got
arrested for passing bad checks. All I want to do is to go to Gary, Indiana
and find this man and tell him how I feel about him. I've had terrible
relationships in the past and this man made me feel so special. I cried like
a teenager when I got home. Could you help me find this man?
Tina Viviano,
Asbury Park, NJ
"Puff Dawg,"
eh? The Mooj suspects that this person may be a fraud. I would be very leery
of this person in the future. Did he, by any chance, hit you up for money that
night on the beach in Haifa? (No need to be ashamed, The Mooj has used that
trick dozens of times, except instead of being a drywall installer I pretend
to be an IBEW journeyman electrician.)
Moo-aj,
I was making love to my girlfriend when she stopped to
answer her mobile phone. I couldn't believe it! It was such a turn off. We
were having a great time and then her phone started ringing. It was her
friend. I was annoyed and felt as if my feelings didn't matter. I asked if
she could switch it off the next time and she said no – that she might
miss an important call. The following day I tried to call her but her phone
was off. When I saw her later that day I told her I had tried to call her and she
said she had turned off her phone because she was performing open-heart
surgery (she’s a cardiologist). So she doesn't mind interrupting our
lovemaking to speak to her friends, but she won't be interrupted when she's
working? What kind of crap is that? We've had a few rows about this since.
It doesn't seem right to me that talking to her friends is more important to
my girlfriend than making love with me. What do you think of all this Great
and Loving Mooj?
J. R. Ledd,
Hanover, PA
I have no idea what to think.
Perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship with someone obviously more
intelligent than you are.
What is the meaning of life?
Anonymous
The best way for me to
answer this would be not to.
My heart is closed for about 6 months
and emotional body heavily damaged. Is this experience needed and when will
it end?
Martins Mednis
Cesis, Latvia
Ah, another foreigner
in distress. The Mooj feels this man's pain and will meditate and fast for
him. Hopefully his young heart will open again and he will find joy
and happiness in the World. The Mooj predicts that this
person will be happy once again in the very near
term.
Hey Mooj,
I'm getting really frustrated here. I
have been trying to win a free Mooj T-shirt for a month and a half now and
have had no luck. Is this a scam? I think there is some kind of law required
the names of the daily winners to be posted. I want to see that list! I've
stopped going to work just so I can try to win. My boss has threatened to
fire me because he doesn't understand what this means to me. He says I've
been brain washed or something like that. If I could buy a shirt I could
rest easier and maybe even go back to work. Please help me......I mean you
no harm, I just want a shirt. Oh yeah! My mom sends her Love and her
undergarments.
T.J. Carterhoffen
My records show that
you came real close to winning a free T-Shirt this morning. Keep trying!
Yo Mooj, I found your pal Lance
Worthy! Check out this website:
http://www.co.nassau.ny.us/police/crimestoppers/cs013-00.htm
Your pal,
Ben Hamonica
The Mooj is sorry to report that this
doesn’t appear to be the same Lance Worthy that was at one time my
official sidekick. The Mooj remains optimistic and hopes that the real Lance
Worthy is out there somewhere.