This week's most favored story was actually sent in a few weeks ago and was shelved due to its violent theme.  However, since no one bothered to send in any stories this week I guess I'll just have to pull it out from the reject folder and use it.  Enjoy........
    The Raging Monkey of Derha-Dun 

    By Veejay Gupta, Mooj minion # 544 

    Many year's ago my family traveled to Derha-Dun, India to visit my Uncle Amman. One day during our visit a large monkey strolled into the garden while my mother and sister sat on the verandah.  My mother and sister were very excited and tried their best to attract the monkey's attention. The monkey, however, was visibly disturbed by all the commotion and continued along on his merry way.  Later that day we heard on the local radio that a vicious monkey had escaped from a nearby zoo and was on a rampage.  The monkey described on the radio matched the monkey seen in the garden "to a tee."  The monkey was considered extremely dangerous and the community at large was warned not to harass or annoy this creature since he had already killed a number of local citizens, who were attempting to recapture him.  I guess my mother and sister were lucky that the monkey was too busy to bother with them.

 
 Parade of New Minions

No one may have written The Mooj this week but at least 6 enlightened people had the good sense to request official minion status.  This bunch appears to be about as "sharp" as the last bunch so, again, as we always do, let us welcome these new minion brothers and sisters with open arms and give them great big cyber hugs.
 
Name Vital Statistics In his or her own words.....
Guy Frederick, #1228 Guy Frederick is an art dealer in Laguna Beach, CA.  Guy has personally crusaded on behalf of the Laguna Beach Fire Department for years to reduce the amount of sawdust used during the annual Laguna Beach Sawdust Festival (due to the risk of wildfires in the area). Ohm namo bagwaate vasudeviya, Ohm namo bagwaate.  I give unto thee splendid greetings and wish thee many happy returns dear sweet gentle Mooj.  I beg that you can bring me the joy you bring to others by admitting me into your elite kingdom of Moojism.
"Red Bud," #1229 We're not sure if "Red Bud" is a man or woman but he or she is a proud member of the CSULB alumni association.  He or she now works at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, CA, as a funnel cake engineer.  One night I got busted for smoking pot and used my one phone call to call radio station KMET to ask the DJ to play Beth by KISS.  I'm not sure if he did or not 'cause I was in jail.  That was back in 1978 when KISS was still really cool.  I guess KISS is still kinda cool, huh?
Ltjg. Allen Jasper, #1230 Ltjg. Jasper is stationed at the Great Lakes Recruit Training Center in Great Lakes, IL.  He was just awarded the Commodore Emery Award for Excellence for his outstanding work as a boot camp stress relief counselor. All our lives we had fun, 
we had seasons in the sun; 
But the stars we could reach 
were just starfish on the beach. 

(This song by Terry Jacks kinda sums it all up, don't you think Mooj?) 
 

Inmate Hymes, #1231 This person has asked that all vital statistics be kept confidential (actually, since this person is being held in the Pelican Bay SHU, it is mandated by law). Immediately upon beginning the practice of Moojism my optimism in humanity was restored. At last I had found a method of self-transformation that actually worked! In the old days I used to yell, scream, kick, bite, spit, urinate, defecate and then have to be strapped down on a gurney for sedation. Now emotional upsets simply subside inside my head and I immediately put myself into harmonic convergence with the cosmic universe.  Equally profound is the impact this new behavior has had on the people around me (especially the cell extraction team). This positive energy is even more contagious than my depravity and I am a better person for it. 
Jeff Shooby, #1232 Jeff is "self identified" and very active in "the community."  Salutations and prostrations to you, you great big banana.  You're doing a great job for human kind Mr. Mooj and I just love you for it. 
Manuel Higura, #1233 Manuel is 7 years old and lives in Paranam, Suriname.  He dreams about becoming a famous movie star someday.  mr. mooj if you are a real person can you come and visit me?  i love you so much and want to grow up to be just like you.
  

This week's semi-true scary story comes to you from The Mooj, himself (written many moons ago).  I have to warn you....it's pretty scary!

    Ye Olde House (Upon Ye Olde Baltimore Pike) 
    Stephen Thomas Bedford found himself in awful place when the weather turned unexpectedly bad.  He was walking along a desolate portion of the Old Baltimore Pike and was still nearly ten miles from his house.  The blue sky above him changed rapidly into morose darkness and Bedford knew that he was in for a rough time.  He picked up his pace and began scouting the roadside for shelter.  Off in the distance he spied an old farmhouse and his jog turned into a sprint as he made his way down the pike.  His premonition proved true and within moments the rain began falling and soon it developed into a downpour.  A short while later he arrived at the farmhouse and the place appeared abandoned—no bother, he thought, he could at least get out of the rain by standing under the porch roof.  As he turned up the narrow lane leading to the house the rain became relentless.  Deafening thunder began ripping through the air and lightning was now striking the ground all around him.  The wind was so strong that he could barley move against it as he fought his way through the thickening mud.  The sky above him was now completely black. 

    As he had suspected the house was completely abandoned.  Every window had been broken and not a strip of paint remained on the weathered clapboards.  The front door was open, swinging back and forth in the wind.  Without hesitation Bedford stepped inside the old house and pulled the door closed behind him.  The house was completely dark until lightning illuminated the room.  During the lightning flashes Bedford saw that the walls and ceiling were completely void of plaster.  The wind howled through the broken windows and remnants of tattered curtains flapped in the breeze.  Floorboards were missing everywhere and so Bedford had to carefully navigate his way toward the rear of the house to get away from the broken windows and rain.  Much to his great surprise he found candles on a fireplace mantle and several matches sitting inside a jar.  He turned his back against the wind and lit the longest of the candles.  Shielding the flame with his hand he then moved through the house, seeking a spot where water wasn’t dripping from the ceiling. 
     
    He noticed as he wandered through the house that it was cluttered with furnishings.  The furniture, although completely covered with cobwebs, was arranged as if someone were still living there.  When he entered the kitchen he found the dinner table set with plates, cups and flatware, with everything lying under a thick layer of dust.  The skeleton of a game bird sat upon the table—long since stripped of all its meat by vermin.  A spinning wheel stood idle near the hearth and iron pots and pans lay neatly by the fireplace.  They, too, were covered with cobwebs.  Bedford began to feel very uneasy.  He wished dearly that the rain would stop so that he could leave this eerie place.  The rain outside, however, showed no signs of letting up and so he knew that he was going to be stuck there for a while. 
     
    In the kitchen Bedford found a letter laying on a small desk.  Next to the letter laid a pen and dried-up ink bottle.  These objects, like everything else in the house, were covered with dust.  Bedford brushed away the dust and picked up the letter.  Holding it close to his candle he saw that it had been written and dated nearly fifty years prior.  The letter was never finished; it had been abandoned in mid sentence.  Bedford knew better than to pry into personal matters and so he did not read the letter.  He was, however, very puzzled—what could have happened in this house fifty years ago that would have caused its occupants to abandon it in such haste, as it appeared that they had done? 

    Finally, the rain began to let up; the storm appeared to be passing.  Bedford quickly collected his things and moved to the front of the house so that he could get out of that place as soon as possible. 

    “How odd,” he said to himself when he tried to open the front door—it was locked!  He remembered closing the door when he entered the house but he surely didn't lock it.  What was even stranger was that the lock required a key and there was no key in the keyhole. 

    “How very odd, indeed,” he thought and began searching the floor for the key.  It was then that he noticed that the floor was dry.  The floor was also intact—had he not side-stepped missing floorboards earlier?  To add more distress to his present situation, Bedford realized that the walls were bright, clean, plastered and freshly painted.  He distinctly remembered seeing exposed lathe boards earlier.

    “This is absurd!” he thought.  The room became brighter as the sun cleared the clouds and then Bedford observed that the windows were all intact—were they not all broken?  He quickly retraced his steps back into the kitchen; and it now appeared clean and well kept.  He tried furiously to open a kitchen window but it wouldn't budge.  He frantically ran back into the front room and tried to open the front windows—and they, too, wouldn’t budge.  Something was terribly wrong!  He looked around the room for anything to break the window and grabbed a brass candlestick holder.  He threw it as hard as he could toward a window and it struck the glass and fell harmlessly to the floor.  He then picked up a large ladder-back chair and attacked the window with all his might, splintering the muttons and sashes but not even cracking the glass. 

    “Dear God in Heaven!” he cried as he threw the chair to the floor. Bedford was now in a genuine panic.  He ran through the house looking for an exit—any exit, but every window and door in the house was locked.  Then the ceiling begin to creek—someone or something was upstairs.  His heart began to pound.  The footsteps above him began walking slowly across the floor.  Bedford grabbed for a poker leaning against the fireplace but his hands shook so violently that he couldn’t grip the iron rod and it fell harmlessly to the floor. 

    The footsteps were now descending the stairs.  One-by-one, the stairs began to creak.  Bedford began to sob uncontrollably as he cowered in a corner.  The footsteps kept coming.  Bedford covered his face with his hands and shut his eyes.  Whoever or whatever it was had just entered the kitchen where Bedford was hiding. 

    Then there was silence.  A long silence. Bedford slowly opened his eyes and the room slowly came back into focus.  It now appeared as it did when he first laid eyes upon it—except now pale sunlight was filtering through the dirty and broken windows, illuminating the dust and cobwebs that covered everything.  He stood up, walked into the front room and it, too, was decayed by ages of neglect.  He stepped across the missing floorboards and quickly exited the house.  He never stopped running until he arrived at his home. 

    The friends and family of Stephen Thomas Bedford knew that something terrible had happened to him on that trip to Baltimore for he returned a different man.  Never to anyone’s knowledge did Stephen Thomas Bedford ever travel to Baltimore again—nor ever set foot upon the Old Baltimore Pike.

 
    Poetry At Large.... 

    T he Mooj must warn his readers that the following poem is perhaps the most politically incorrect piece of literature to ever grace the pages of The Mooj Weekly Standard.  Upon its arrival at Mooj.com headquarters a few weeks ago it was immediately deleted from the minion mail inbox (due to its extreme poor taste).  However, when no other poem (or mail for that matter) was submitted this week (and since The Mooj was too lazy to write a poem of his own) it was retrieved and included for the sake of adding reading material to this humble newsletter.  As most of you know The Mooj's birthday is August 6, which just so happens to coincide with the anniversary of the of Hiroshima bombing.  All my life I have had to contend with this unfortunate remembrance and this poem is illustrative of the type of crap I have had to put up with my whole life.  Ironically, my sister Rosapujaa was born on August 8, which coincides with the Nagasaki bombing anniversary.
    Happy Berf Day to You 

    From J, H, J, J & A. (Minions, all)

    The day of your birth is a wonderful day, 
    And so it was too for the U-S of A. 

    Yes we dropped the Bomb and thought we were through 
    But the Japs [sic] were slow learners and so we dropped two. 

    Hiroshima flattened, Nagasaki was too, 
    It saved many lives at the expense of a few. 

    Hurray for our side, The War it was through
    Happy Birthday to You!