The Pig (er, I’m sorry, I meant to say the Enterprise) was headed into San Diego Harbor during the pre ’86 westpac workups. It was very early in the morning and Leuschner was asleep. Under normal conditions he would have been on the bridge; however, the navigator, a man who was in no mood to deal with Leuschner’s ranting and raving, elected to wait as long as possible before waking him. A vital error was made and the Big E entered the harbor on the wrong side of the navigation lane. (The water surrounding San Diego is extremely dangerous.) When the navigator realized the ship was in trouble he quickly summoned Leuschner but it was too late. The ship struck a protrusion in the water called Bishop’s Rock before the old man was even out of bed.  A 150-foot gash was cut into the starboard hull and The Pig listed severely but miraculously stayed afloat. (If the ship were not armor plated it would have certainly sunk.)  The ship, under the direction of Pacific Fleet Command, was ordered back to Hunter’s Point, CA for emergency dry-dock repairs. The voyage was absolutely miserable because many water and JP5 tanks were ruptured and their contents became thoroughly mixed; it was near impossible to get any fresh water that wasn’t contaminated with jet fuel. (Not to mention the fact that the ship was listing 30-degrees to the starboard.)  While the mighty USS Enterprise was mended and patched in the shipyard the crew had reason to rejoice: the evil Leuschner, who in reality had nothing whatsoever to do with the accident, was relieved of command.

 
    This week's most favored story comes to us from Mike Hiraga, the former Pizza Hut guy.
    More Pizza Hut Shenanigans 

    By Mike Hiraga (not an official minion as of yet). 

    The Pizza Hut that Heddy and I worked at (#7, in Westminster, CA) was owned by a guy named Al Homes.  This guy also owned most of the other Pizza Huts in Orange County.  He was seldom seen but was known for making "surprise inspections" that were big sweat items for the managers, district managers, and area supervisors.  (Holmes was a real hard-ass and it was rumored that he fired people on the spot if he saw something he didn't like.)  Whenever Big Al was making one of his surprise inspections it was forbidden for any store to call another and notify them that Big Al was on the prowl but the managers got around this by calling each other and asking the coded question: “Is Al Holmes there yet? No, well I’ll try again later, thanks.” When Heddy and I were at PH #7 our manager made the mistake of telling us about this clever ruse and Heddy and I, being wise-asses, used this insider info to cause all sorts of mayhem whenever we were bored.  We'd wait until after our store manager left for the night and then clock off shift and pretend to go home.  What we actually did was call another Pizza Hut owned by Big Al and ask the “Is Al Holmes there yet?” question (knowing that it would trigger a panic).  The key to this gag working effectively was that our Pizza Hut had to be a total mess!  After starting the ball in motion Heddy and I would kick back in the parking lot, knock back a few Mickey's Big Mouths, and watch the fun unfold.  Within 20 minutes our manager would arrive back at the store in a genuine panic and began hollering and screaming at the other Pizza Hut peons that were still on shift to clean up and get things in order.  Soon the district manager and the area supervisor would arrive on a pre-inspection tour and make sure things looked presentable.  Undoubtedly, every Pizza Hut in Orange County was going through the same drill.  Of course Big Al would never show up and after about two or three hours of this nonsense the alert would be canceled and there would be a great mystery afoot as to how the alarm was initiated in the first place (and by whom).  Heddy and I would nearly crap ourselves laughing!

    One day Heddy and I were hanging out in the kitchen when this lady came in to place an order. She mentioned to us that she had been in our store before and that we had totally messed up her order. She wasn’t complaining; she just wanted to make sure we didn't mess it up again. We told the lady that we were sorry and made her pizza ahead of all the others and even put on extra toppings for her. When it was ready we gave it to her free of charge and the lady left a happy customer. She was so happy, in fact, that she wrote a letter to Pizza Hut, Inc. telling them about how well she was treated at the “Pizza Hut in Westminster on Goldenwest by a some guys named Mike and Heddy.” She mentioned in her letter all the nice things we did and how polite we were to her. The letter was circulated from top to bottom and finally our manager was sent a copy with a “well done” attached.  Our manager was mystified by all this since Heddy and I were regular troublemakers and usually pretty rude to the customers.  We saw the reaction that this letter got and so we started writing a few of our own (or had others do it so that we got the variety of handwriting styles needed to look legitimate). All these letters praised two guys named “Heddy and Mike at the Pizza Hut in Westminster on Goldenwest” for above and beyond good service. As you could guess we were quite the local Pizza Hut heroes and our manager was befuddled.

    Probably the uncoolest thing Heddy ever did was call the front desk from a pay phone in the men's room when some poor dude named Archie was working the order desk.  Heddy pretended to be some ex-con dude that wanted to order a pizza.  Poor Archie tried in vain to get this guy's order right but the guy (who was really Heddy) was belligerent and non coherent. Poor Archie was as polite as he could be but the other fellow (who was really Heddy) became hostile and told Archie that he was going to come down to Pizza Hut and kick his ass.  Poor Archie was in a panic and begged someone to take over for him at the phone desk so that he could run and hide (but no one would). Every few minutes Heddy would sneak away and call Archie again. The first return call was for directions to the store (and Archie, politely as ever, gave the guy that was going to come down and kick his ass perfect directions). Then Heddy called back to order a pizza so that when he was done kicking Archie’s butt he could bring it home. Then Heddy called to tell Archie that he was running a little late because he couldn’t get his car started and would have to wait until his wife got home. Archie, even though he was in a panic, never once abandoned his post and performed his duties diligently. Finally, to keep our suppressed laughter from exploding and alerting Archie to the joke, someone relieved Archie so he could run in the back room and hide.  Of course Archie was summoned from his hiding place often because someone was asking for him on the phone (the deranged lunatic of course). The message was usually another delay or further clarification on the directions because the guy was lost or something. Archie finally made it to the end of his shift and, much to his relief, escaped unhurt. Of course every time after that when Archie was working the phone desk Heddy would sneak away and call again pretending to be that lunatic and poor Archie could be heard mumbling under his breath, “Oh no, not this guy again!”
 
 Parade of New Minions

Hey what's the deal?  It's looks like another low new minion turnout this week!  Don't put off the inevitable folks.  Sign up to be an official Mooj minion today!  Click Here for your very own official Mooj minion application.
 
Name Vital Statistics In his or her own words.....
Fred Barrel, #1237 Fred lives in Utica, NY and works at a Dunkin Donuts.  He claims to be addicted to hazelnut coffee high colonics.  I like the mooj and hope that he seriously considers my application for minionhood.  I know another guy who is a mooj head and he says he has never had to pay a dime and he gets all kinds of cool mooj stuff in the mail like T-shirts, pamphlets and bumper stickers.
Tomas Villa, #1238 Tomas is a student at Menlo Park College in Menlo Park, CA and is studying advanced kinematics.  He once met Suzy Denver at an alumni dinner and got her autograph.  Tomas plans to take next summer off so that he can bicycle across the Gobi Desert. Om Namo Bamo Moojishnanandaya! Thank you very much for this website, this is a blessing for me because I'm suffering from low self esteem and think Mooj minionhood may be the thing that helps me get through life. 
Prem Sahota, #1239 Prem was born in Tamilnadu, Bharat and lives at a KOA campground in Estes Park, CO.  He claims his favorite thing about living in Estes Park is that he always sees former TV star (and one-time heart throb) John Ritter hanging around. Answering the question "What has Mooj done for me?" its like trying to answer the question "What has being able to breathe done for me?" Everything!  Mooj has transformed the way I live my life, the way I enjoy life and the way I understand life. Before Mooj I was always looking for a meaning upon which to base my existence. I became frustrated as there seemed no ultimate answer to what is good or bad, right or wrong, left or right, up or down, horizontal or vertical, gay or straight, or a million other orthogonal things.  How could I conduct my life according to principles if I didn't know what those principles were?  Now that I have found The Mooj I know the answers to all my questions (except why John Ritter would always be hanging around here in Estes Park). 
"Paraquat Pete," #1240 Bel Air, Maryland's Paraquat Pete was expelled from John Carroll High School in 1987.  (He was one of those notorious "scavenger hunt" participants.) Sure, I get out of balance occasionally but now I have to tools to correct myself:  A jug of prune juice and The Mooj Weekly Standard. What more can a guy ask for?
 
 

This week's teaching story is about helping others.  Actually, I guess it's about "not" helping others.
    Old Man....  
    By Minion #1152 
    Years ago I lived in Los Osos, CA and was pretty much a hermit. The apartment I lived in was actually a duplex and I shared it with an old man.  The only thing I remember about this old guy was that he was always gone. He would rise at the crack of dawn and go away all day.  The old man would then return home long after midnight. I had no idea what this old fellow did for a living and assumed that he worked somewhere. (I remember thinking to myself: “Man, what a hard working guy!”)  Then one day I asked the ground’s keeper if he knew what the old man did all day. The ground’s keeper said: “Who, the old fart? He drinks! From the minute the Merrymaker [the local bar] opens up at 6:00 a.m. until they throw him out, he sits at the bar and drinks.” I always felt really bad for the guy after that.
 
 
    Poetry At Large....
    Hmmm.  The Mooj has no idea what to make of this week's poem.  The Mooj has read it about a dozen times and still can't figure it out........Oh wait...now I get it.  See if you can too.
    (Untitled) 
    By Isabelle Patricia, Age 4.

    Horses are up 
    Flowers are down 
    Roses are blooming 
    Butterflies are around 
    Winter is almost home 
    People are going to school 
    People are learning 
    People are having a great time 
    It's almost Halloween 
    People are writing letters of nice.