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Written and Edited by Swami Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, All-American (with some Punjabistani mixed in) Poet.

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The Mooj Weekly Standard is published by The "New" Friends of Mooj Society, Dundalk, MD.  All material published in The Mooj Weekly Standard is considered the intellectual property of The Mooj and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or form without the expressed written consent of The Mooj or one of his non-paid interns.  Actually, since The Mooj has just fired all his non-paid interns I guess all written consent must now come from The Mooj himself.  If you are college educated (or at least literate) and would like to be one of The Mooj's new unpaid interns, let me know ASAP.

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First Things First.  With a heavy heart and heavy hand I begin this week's newsletter.  This was a very difficult week for The Mooj, as I learned that I was betrayed in two separate incidents.  As noted above The Mooj did, indeed, have to fire his two unpaid interns (Steve and Robert).  The reason for their dismissal is rather complex and I would rather not go into the gory details at this time.  The Mooj will, however, say that these two thieves robbed me blind and sold off my entire collection of archived memorabilia.  The Mooj had been saving these items for The Official Mooj Museum (whenever one was actually built somewhere).  Among the collectables sold were original copies of all my Mooj Weekly Standard newsletters, rare first edition books, bumper stickers, T-shirts, posters and other assorted goodies.  The entire collection was estimated to have a value of $15,000 and was sold to a single collector in Cincinnati for only $300.  The Mooj has no idea who purchased these archived materials and hopes that this person, upon learning that these items were not intended for sale, will return them at once.  If this person does so The Mooj will send him an autographed picture and a copy of my latest book, A Mooj Christmas (actually this person already has the book in his memorabilia collection so he can keep it and send everything else back).

The second betrayal suffered by The Mooj this past week was perpetrated upon him by the good citizens of Concord, Massachusetts.  Unbeknownst to The Mooj several members of the Walden Pond Heritage Trust conspired against me during the September 15th Town Hall Meeting, and a plan was concocted by the local citizenry to lie about the presence of J.J. Bigsby in the community.  (Someone on the select committee had been tipped off that someone named "Bigsby" was hunting me down and so the townsfolk launched a phony crusade to scare me out of town.)  I should have been suspicious that after so many weeks of rotten treatment by all the local yokels that their sudden outpouring of concern over my safety would be less than genuine.  It wasn't until after I had vacated my replica Thoreau cabin and collected my last pay check that I learned that I was the victim of an elaborate hoax.  I would have returned to Concord and retaken my rightful place as the official Henry David Thoreau living history interpreter but the thought of living in that squalid cabin again made my stomach turn and so I decided to just continue along on my journey (to wherever it is I'm going).  I will fill you in on all my traveling adventures when I feel enough time has elapsed such that Bigsby cannot deduce from my writings where I am or where I am headed.  If you are a loyal minion living in New York, Vermont or New Hampshire and wouldn't mind letting The Mooj sleep on your couch for a few nights then contact me through this web site.  I will check my email everyday.

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Mooj Mail Bag 

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The minion mail was "light" this week, which is good I guess.

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Dear Mooj,

Recently I got engaged. Franko is someone I met during a holdup, but things worked out and he's changed his work. My problem is his mama. She chews with her mouth open and talks with food in her braces. I'm already too thin and I can't eat with her smacking her food and picking her braces. She lives with us. Help!!!!!

Regina Walker
Baker, CA

The Mooj suspects that you and your future mother-in-law will have many issues (food mastication only being one of them).  The best course of action would be to eat in separate locations or serve only soup.  

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How sick is Gord really?

C. Jones

The Mooj suspects that this query is of a serious nature and hopes that "Gord," whoever he is, is okay.  The Mooj will meditate on Gord's behalf and hope him a speedy recovery.

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Since becoming a Mooj fan more than an hour ago, I have come to accept the hope and possibility that Mooj has brought into my life.  Yet I wonder, have I been blind-sided by a "say-anything-to-succeed" scam artist?  Surely a sophisticated woman like myself has heard hundreds of attempts to woo my favor.  In the past, my intuition has enabled me to detect the three men that truly did not respect me.  (The other couple of hundred figured out they didn't respect me AFTER they had their way with me, so I hold no ill-will towards them.)  Yet, I cannot tell about the Mooj.  He seems to stand for love, humanity and sea-stories, but why would he tell a Jordanian reader to kill herself?

I am concerned when Hanni sMaik asks about her depression, and Mooj says, "Kill yourself!"  Well maybe not in those exact words, but he uses symbolism that is all but too obvious.  Mooj tells Hanni, "...you're just too ambitious for your current...life" and "...you know must be done."  I hoped Mooj wasn't talking about suicide, but the very next sentence confirmed it: "...you know something better awaits you and you fear the changes necessary to propel you toward that goal."  It is clear to me that Mooj is trying to get Hanni to take her life.  To further prove my theory I will add content to the Mooj quote to reduce his ambiguity, “...you know something better awaits you [in the afterlife] and you fear the changes necessary to propel you toward that goal [suicide].”  Poor Hanni, she comes to Mooj with her problems, and he only exacerbates them by filling her demented mind with delusions of martyrdom.  She clearly has enough problems without you telling her that she needs to overcome her “fear of change.” I don’t know about you Mooj, maybe I shouldn’t let you into my soul.  I truly love you, but maybe it was not to be. Farewell.

P.S.  Can I have a Mooj T-shirt?

Mary Ann Smyth

Are you out of your mind?  The Mooj meant no such thing!  Hanni, if you are still alive, The Mooj prays that you did not interpret my response to you [concerning your depression] as a suggestion to take your life.  This Mary Ann Smyth is obviously a nut and The Mooj will pray and meditate for her.   

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OH MOOJ, thou hath outdone thyself.  Look at all those minions...and pray tell, is that a small dog playing a ukulele next to you????  I do not detect Mooj Minion #200 – Poet Lauriat – in thy snap shot??  Where for art she?  Maybe she was trying on a piccasshoe???? (fine art lover that she be)...love you!

Katishka Punjabeiii

Dearest Aunt Katishka, The Mooj regrets that you were not included in the family portrait taken outside his cabin at Walden Pond.  The Mooj suspects that this was because you were the one taking the photograph.

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Due to the fact that The Mooj has no interns to process this week's new minion applicants, no new minion numbers will be assigned [until further notice].  The Mooj hopes this slight inconvenience doesn't defer you from submitting your application since, soon, someone will get around to reading them (perhaps, if need be, The Mooj himself).  The Mooj reminds his would-be minions that this is serious business and that all applications should be treated as affirmations of Mooj ideals.  In the past The Mooj suspects that some applicants have used this minion application process as a means to to get their names in print and makes fools of themselves.  All minion applications will be treated with the dignity and the respect that they deserve. If you would like to submit your very own Mooj minion application click here.  Remember, Mooj minionism is a fundamental rite of passage for those seeking oneness with The Mooj and it's also a great way to meet people just like you (if you're a typical Mooj Head).

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Closing Thoughts

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Well minions, etal. I have nothing more to say.  I am weary from all my traveling and now need to find a place to sleep.  Hopefully the local law enforcement won't hassle me like they usually do when I sleep on someone's porch swing.  Keep all your cards and letters coming, The Mooj needs your mail to keep him going.

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