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Dear Mooj,

On 2-17-00 I read a disturbing article that I linked to from the Drudge Report. The article was about Eunuchs who are becoming a political force to be reckoned with in India. There are supposedly 1,000,000 Eunuchs in India and in the last election 3 were elected to various political offices.  That is not what disturbed me. If the Indians want to be governed by "leaders who have no balls," what business is that of mine?  No, what bothered me was the description of how the Eunuchs of India earn their living.  Supposedly they show up, uninvited, to the weddings, funerals, birthday parties and other such festivities thrown by people that they don't know.  They then yell, chant, sing and dance loudly until the head of the household pays them to leave the premises.  How utterly horrible.

A few years ago you mentioned in one of your newsletters (April 16, 1998 I think it was) that while you were studying at the Ashram in Ramrama you once contemplated becoming a Eunuch.  I can't seem to locate this particular issue in my Mooj collection and for some reason your Internet archives don't go that far back.  Can you once again share with us why or how you came to the realization that being a Eunuch was something you wanted to do?  (I can't remember if you actually went through with it or not.)  I'm a kindergarten teacher and I'd love to share your story with my class during our Festival of Cultural Diversity next month.

Ms. Ramona Higgens
Mt. Mckinley Elementary School
Santa Monica, CA

To be honest The Mooj doesn't recall sharing that particular story with anyone.  However, back in the April '98 time frame The Mooj Weekly Standard was really floundering and so it is possible that I resorted to sensationalism to boost my lousy circulation.  In truth, The Mooj only contemplated becoming a Eunuch for a very short time.  The thought of showing up uninvited to weddings, funerals, birthday parties and other such festivities to yell, chant, sing and dance loudly until the head of the household paid me to leave sounded like a lot of fun.  However, once I realized that being a Eunuch would require my bollocks to be lopped off I decided to drop out of the Eunuch program immediately.  (Of course, not being a Eunuch has never stopped me from showing up, uninvited, to weddings, funerals, birthday parties and such to yell, chant, sing and dance loudly until the head of the household pays me to leave.  That's actually how I paid my way through the Ashram.)  

To Mooj and the family of minions,

Sooner or later censorship is going to have to be considered as our popular culture continues to sink to ever more sickening lows of depravity. That's right I said CENSORSHIP. Just about all liberals and conservatives are terrified of the C-word. Most of those on the left and right are radical individualists and are primarily concerned with self gratification at any cost, even if it means continuing down the path of cultural destruction and nihilism.  I personally don't care one way or the other and will continue to post naked pictures of my dog Spunky on the Internet.  I bet all you sicko perverts out there would like to see that, wouldn't ya?

Dr. Gregg McFellon
Port Tobacco, MD
Co founder of www.seespunkygetfunky.org

Don't worry Mooj Heads I have checked the most current Mooj Minion Roster and verified that Dr. Gregg McFellon is not listed anywhere.  www.seespunkygetfunky.org is, however, listed as an Official Mooj Minion Approved Web Site and so I need to have a talk with Becky and Bonnie Yaksuba (once they get off restriction).  For the time being let's just assume that www.seespunkygetfunky.org is now, and forever, off limits to Mooj minions!

 
Mooj,

I'm a huge fan of yours so it pains me to have to say this but I think you need to let Professor Gordon Wilson Griffin help you.  I, myself, am a psychologist and have read many of Professor Gordon Wilson Griffin's journal articles.  He really knows his stuff and is very respected among his peers.  If Lance Worthy, Trent Handjoy, Jeff W. etal. are genuine people (and not facets of your advanced CPD) then let me just say that they're just as messed up as you are!  The more Worthy, Handjoy and yourself hangout together the more alike you all become.  For example, Handjoy—the supposed boy genius—started out pretty bright when we first got introduced to him back in the summer of 1999.  Slowly but surely, however, he has grown into a complete moron (just like you).  It is also very interesting how you are now taking on Lance Worthy's rude personality and he is slowly taking on Trent's intelligent one.  But who cares?  It's all in good fun, isn't it?  Keep up the good work.

Prof. Hyrum Paul Kelly
Bob Jones University
Greenville, SC.

The Mooj has learned over the years that whenever someone begins his or her letter by saying, "I'm a huge fan of yours...but..," what follows will undoubtedly be the rantings and ravings of a disgruntled lunatic.  The Mooj has no idea why so many people seem to think that I have enough time not only to be The Mooj but also Lance Worthy and Trent Handjoy.  The Mooj has nothing to prove to anyone, let alone a quack like Prof. Hyrum Paul Kelly.  If you don't think that The Mooj is honest, trustworthy and pure in spirit than find yourself another guru!   

Hey Mooj,

The Oakland Unified School District has now officially upgraded its Dictionary of Ebonics.  Because I am a teacher in Oakland, CA I am required by law to familiarize myself with this document and use it in my daily lesson plans.  I'm a huge fan of yours and was delighted to see that your name was added to the mix ("Mooj = Crazy F'd Up Uzbekistani-Punjabi Bruva").  Wow, that's pretty impressive!

Kristeen Gogan
Oakland, CA

The Mooj isn't quite sure what an Ebonics Dictionary is but it must be important if it includes famous people like The Mooj.  Keep up the good work Kristeen!

 

Mr. Mooj,

Our son Trent seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.  Before we left on our annual winter vacation we wired you some money to take him to the Azores with you on a treasure hunt.  Since then we have heard nothing from him or yourself and have become concerned.  Please notify us at once as to where you are and why Trent has not returned to complete his studies at Duke University (as we had agreed on, as per our deal).  We will be leaving on our annual spring vacation next week so we would appreciate a timely response.

Dick and Doris Handjoy,
Chappaqua, NY

P.S.  Do you have any idea who Ezekiel Jeremiah Boggerty is?  This person has left several voice messages for us at our Chappaqua house asking for money.  We suspect that you are somehow involved in this suspicious nonsense!

I'll have to make sure our little pal Trent calls home now that his parents are finally home from their winter vacation.  Normally The Mooj wouldn't want to take advantage of someone like the Handjoys but since we are hurting for funds [for our pending Azores treasure hunt] I'll ask Trent to hit his folks up for some more "funding."  

 
Mooj,

Okay, I admit it.  I screwed you but I had every right to do so since you greedy bastards were under the false impression that my treasure was your treasure too!  I never said anything to you about sharing my treasure; all I did was offer you the chance to come along with me on my grand adventure!  You greedy pigs somehow interpreted traveling with me to the Azores to mean that you also got a share of my treasure.  Since you guys were so selfish I had no choice but to ditch you and travel to the Azores alone.  I admit it was pretty uncool of me to make you guys think I got kidnapped down in Pickens County, SC but it was all I could think of at the time.  (Plus, I didn’t think you guys would be stupid enough to actually go down there and look for me!)  Tell your little buddy Trent Handjoy that he’s a total a__hole for giving me a map that showed the treasure buried inside the Sao Miguel Prison.  I almost got killed trying to break in here to dig it up.  Ironically, that’s where I am now because I got busted for drugs and am now serving a life sentence.  I also got caned.  This place totally sucks and I’ll do anything to get out of here!  I’ll make a deal with you guys: break me out here I’ll split the treasure with you 50-50.  (50% for me and 50% divided between you three.)  I’ve learned a lot about Sao Miguel since arriving here that will make it much easier to locate the actual site of the buried treasure.  (I recall Trent and I having discussions about certain topographical parameters that we had to make assumptions about.  Some of those assumptions turned out to be incorrect.)  Let bygones be bygones and let’s be friends again.  For God’s sake you guys have to help me get out of this rat-infested hellhole!

I had to bribe one of the guards with sexual favors to get this letter emailed to you.  I can only hope that you receive it.  I swear to God that I will never double cross you guys again if you help me!

Sincerely,
Jeff W.
Sao Miguel Prison

Well, if it isn't our old pal Jeff W!  Sorry Jeff, normally The Mooj would help you out there but since you and just about every other person seems to think it's okay to double cross The Mooj these days I'm going to make an example out of you.  Don't worry, as soon as we dig up "your" treasure we'll stop by and pay you a visit.  Maybe we'll even bring you some cookies.        

Dear Mooj,

Please let me know what I can do to help you get The Mooj Store up and running.  I see great potential there.  I suspect that Mooj paraphernalia will be a huge success and people will eat it up like they did Beanie Babies, pet rocks and Pokemon balls!  I know because I’m an industry insider and have worked for years as a mass media consultant.  I was personally responsible for bringing such hits as the “No Bozos,” “Mr. Zogg’s Sex Wax,” and “Don’t like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SH*T” bumper stickers to life.  I can visualize your “Mooj-likeness” plastered all over America’s bumpers and refrigerators!  We are living in a glorious age when America’s biggest morons have plenty of money to waste.  You cannot afford to waste time! Give me a call ASAP!

B.J. Hummer
Barnaby and Barnaby Promotions
Tampa, FLA
 
Sure, you sound like a reputable guy (Not!) 

Great One:

A few days ago I was jabber-jawing with another trucker on my CB radio while hauling lumber down Highway 41 between Atascadero and Morro Bay.  My good buddy was a few miles ahead of me and reported seeing a hitchhiker holding a sign that read: “Mooj Head.”  He had no idea what that meant but I did ‘cause I’m a Mooj Head myself.  I kept a sharp lookout for my fellow minion and soon spotted him standing by the side of the road.  He was wearing a big yellow hat, an orange summer dress and a matching set of pumps.  He looked like a total fruitcake so I figured I’d just keep going.  But then I remembered the Mooj Head creed—you know, about always helping other minions in need no matter what they look like.  So I pulled over to give this curious looking fellow a ride.  It turned out that the guy’s sign didn’t say, “Mooj Head,” it said: “[omitted]!”  I was flabbergasted and tried to drive off as fast as I could but the dude had already climbed up onto my running board and got his dress caught in the door.  I finally had to stop and let this weirdo climb into my cab through the window after dragging him a few feet.  I warned him to just sit quietly and mind his own business or I would hurt him.  He did.
 
We drove along for a while and then finally this fellow asked me why I had stopped for him in the first place if I was only going to be mean to him.  I told him that I thought his sign said, “Mooj Head,” not “[omitted].”  He blushed and then we both had a good laugh.  Even though he looked like a fruitcake he was actually a very nice fellow.  After a few more miles of awkward silence he finally asked me what a “Mooj Head” was.  He was really interested in what I had to tell him and promised me that as soon as he had the chance he would look you up on the Internet and see if he had what it took to be a Mooj minion, too.  Let me know if that fruity little fellow signs on.  It would be great to know that I converted yet another wayward soul to a life of Moojism.  I’ve already converted three other guys.  Do I get some kind of reward, like a T-shirt, bumper sticker or something for my hard work?

“Big Daddy” Roy Baker
-Trucking for Mooj-
Castro Valley, CA.

Sure Big Daddy!  As soon as The Mooj Store opens I'll see that you get a $5 gift certificate.  Use it wisely!

Mattie Lowell, Mooj Minion #1162 is a 20-year-old college student from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.  Her response to why she wants to be a Mooj Minion was: "I stopped eating hamburgers because the methane gas cows release is the number one contributor to the destruction of our ozone layer.  Also hamburger farmers destroy the rain forest to make grazing ground for cattle.  I also don't eat tuna because then I would be promoting the fact that they have large tuna nets that capture innocent little dolphins.  I also don't wear deodorant because the chemicals in deodorant are unhealthy and leach iron and other vital nutrients from my system via my armpit ducts.  As soon as I graduate from college I'm going to join the Americorps and work in the inner city to promote illiteracy."

King Papalaegro III, Noble King of Outer Labia, Mooj Minion #1163 claims to be a real king.  The king submitted an essay (like most minion-elects do) but it was excluded from this publication because it contained shocking and vulgar language.  Because King Papalaegro is a king he was allowed into the legion of minions.  But he was also given a stern warning about what is and what isn't acceptable language for a Mooj minion.

An anonymous person now known as Mooj Minion #1164 claims to be a 38-year-old male from Santa Ana, CA.  His response to why he wants to be a Mooj Minion was: "Back in the late '70s and early '80s I was the teen idol lead singer for the band Papa Do-Run Run.  Most of my fans remember me best from the countless summers I sang at the Tomorrow Land Snack Bar at Disneyland.  I also shagged the chick who dressed up like Snow White inside The Monsanto Molecule.  Man, that was cool!"

A.J. Fraust, Mooj Minion #1165 is a 16-year-old male from Augusta, GA.  His response to why he wants to be a Mooj Minion was: "Viagra was just the beginning for me Mooj. With dozens of new "love" drugs in clinical trials out there I may soon be medicated and wired for high-performance romance all the time! All I need now is to find a sex partner."

Mighty 'Ol King Paul Meets Mr. and Mrs. Chumbly

[this week's poem was pulled at the last minute due to bad taste....I mean really bad taste!]

One-Adam-12, See the Child with the Gun...

I'm a cop in the city (but I won't say which one).  In my precinct works a woman, who is less than 4 feet tall.  Although the police department has minimal height restrictions they were waived so that the department couldn't be accused of discrimination against either women or short people.  As a cop this tiny woman is worthless.  In fact, she cannot even wear a billy club on her belt, lest it drag on the ground!  After several attempts to fit her in somewhere the chief finally just assigned her to her very own street corner.  Her job was basically to write tickets to drivers who stopped within the intersection after the light changed and blocked cross traffic. One night I was working the desk when a hysterical man ran into the station and began ranting and raving in Chinese about something awful that he witnessed.  I tried to talk to this old fellow but there was nothing I could do since I didn’t understand a word he was saying.  Finally, after about an hour the fellow’s son arrived and translated for him.  The son told me: “My father say on corner of [omitted] and [omitted] is child dressed in police uniform waiving gun.  This child running into street and yelling, ‘boo’ at all the cars!”  I quickly called some nearby units to respond to what seemed like a pretty serious situation.  A few seconds later I realized that the corner that this fellow was talking about was the “beat” of the tiny woman!  I quickly called off the units and told the old man that it was okay, that the child with the gun was really a cop.