As we look back on 1999 we see that this was a year of many Mooj milestones. Mooj.com came on line and the Mooj minion family literally grew exponentially! When the year began the Mooj minion roster sported only a few dozen names. Now, twelve months later, we have over 5,000 regular [and semi regular] readers. And, of that vast multitude, there are at least 1,200 of you who are proud enough to become officially registered minions. (If you're not an official minion....what are you waiting for?) Next year I can only promise bigger and better things.
So as we end a decade, century and millennium let's begin a newsletter:
People say my baby girl looks like my husband, but I'm still not convinced she's his child. The more I look at her the more I see my lover. I am Chinese, my husband is and Black, and we've been together for ten years. We married 18 months ago and at the time I was having an affair with a guy in the office at work, who is Scandinavian. This guy always listened to my problems, he made me feel special, and we ended up lovers. He's married to an American Indian woman and has kids too, but it was the usual stuff - his wife didn't have time for their relationship, etc. When I discovered I was pregnant, though, it brought me to my senses. I realized just how much I loved my husband, what we had together and how stupid I had been to risk it all. I was so depressed during the pregnancy I hated myself for having the affair, which I ended as soon as I knew I was expecting. Now I've had my daughter, who is lovely. My husband thinks the world of her and just seeing them together tears at my heart. I'm told she looks like me except that she has green eyes and red hair, whereas I have dark eyes and dark hair. I am trying so hard to be a good wife and mother, but never a day goes by when I don't agonize over which man is the father. I'm scared my husband will find out about the affair and put two and two together, then leave me. I know he would never be able to forgive me if he suspected any sort of fling on my part. He's always placed so much importance on honesty and fidelity.
Gerta Hilldagard
Bath, England
First of all The Mooj is having a hard time trying to figure all this out. Who did what with whom and whom did what with who? But forget about all that—the answer to you problem is actually a little more complex than you think. The father of your child is neither your husband nor your lover, but some bloke you met in a pub when you were on holiday in Enniscorthy, Ireland last year. The father’s first name is Patrick and he enjoys a pint of Guinness now and again. He is also unemployed, dirty and has bad teeth. That should help you narrow it down to about 25 million Irishmen. Good luck.
Mr. Mooj,
There’s been some talk in town that you and some kid named Jeff W. are gonna come down here to Pickens County and reinvestigate the General Joe E. Johnson High School Prom Night Massacre. Let me just offer you some friendly advice and tell you to keep you nosy faces out of Pickens County. There ain’t no need for a couple of Yankees like yourselves coming down here and stirring up trouble asking questions about something that happened a long, long time ago. That massacre has been long forgotten and most people around here don’t want it bothered with again. I won’t tell you again—stay away!
Deputy Sheriff Roscoe T. Butcher
Pickens County, SC
The Mooj has no intention of doing anything in South Carolina, let alone investigate some old unsolved murder case. I cannot speak for my pal Jeff W., but I assume that he will be too busy these next few months since we are all going to the Azores to find a buried treasure. I will pass along your warning, however, just in case he has an inkling to look into the matter when we get back. (My psychic senses tell me that this Deputy Sheriff Roscoe T. Butcher knows a little more about this case than he lets on.)
Mooj,
My girlfriend just lies back waiting for me to make all the moves during our love-making. This is such a turn-off that I keep losing my excitement. We are both 38. She’s a Virgo and I’m a Leo. I love this woman and want out relationship to last. But I've started losing my excitement halfway through and am sure it's because my girlfriend is too passive. Maybe other men wouldn't see this as a problem - they'd just be able to get on with it but it's making me so frustrated. I dare not tell her I've never had this problem with any of my other ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends or other sexual partners. My sex life has always been great fun and I don't know what to do. Please help me if you can.
Chet Mazilla
Bangor, WA
I guess you're just a regular Casanova there, huh Chet? The Mooj thinks your partner might be using too much amyl nitrate. The Mooj also thinks that you have [other] problems way beyond that which I can help.
You don’t know me but I’m a beat writer for The Washington Post. Like most people in the left-leaning media I read your newsletter religiously. I noticed last week that someone asked you about why the FBI seems to be ignoring you these days. Since I work the Metro beat here in D.C. I may know something that may be of interest to you and your trusty minions. Things ain’t exactly kosher at the FBI these days, if you get my drift. From what I heard H. H. Monroe (the guy who took Gayson’s job when he “mysteriously disappeared”) is on his way out because of his mismanagement of several cases, including yours. My sources at the J. Edgar Hoover Building tell me that Monroe is a closet Mooj Head and passed word to his subordinates that he didn’t want you captured because he enjoys reading your Travels with Mooj newsletter feature. Who knows maybe its true? Anyway, the higher ups have noticed his “lack of effort” on your behalf and have asked him to either "step up or step aside." As of now he is planning to step aside but I think it has more to do with the fact that he got his intern pregnant and her aunt (a senior Senator from California, whose last name rhymes with toxer) wants him axed. This whole intern scandal is proving to be as sordid as The Monica Lewinsky case, except that this particular intern is 45 years old and already has two fully-grown children. Anyway, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Monroe isn’t going to be around too much longer. (Ker-splatt!)
I also got some dirt on your pal C. J. Merryweather Jr., the son of C. J. Merryweather Sr. He, too, has “mysteriously disappeared” and was last seen in Switzerland at a disco frequented by the Polish Mafia. Word on the street has it that he is now “sleeping with the fishes” at the bottom of Lake Geneva (wearing cement shoes no doubt). His godfather must have been a Godfather! (Ha ha ha, get it?)
The FBI has also now acknowledged that J.E. Gayson is alive and well and living on some remote tropical island somewhere. Since he is currently funding several terrorist organizations the CIA has put him on their “most favored hit list.” I asked one of my sources at the CIA if she could elaborate a bit and she told me that “Gayson is a clever man—smarter than they ever gave him credit for.” She also confided in me that “Gayson has cost the CIA several million dollars and several good agents.” (Who wouldda thunk it?)
Also, the FBI has now officially acknowledged that former agent J.J. Bigsby is a menace to society. They have terminated his pension and are also considering removing his bust from the FBI Hall of Valor. The FBI now suspects that Bigsby is responsible for many of the wanton acts of destruction that were originally attributed to you, including the murder of Blind Lemon Washington in Mississippi. (So cheer up! Ha ha ha.)
Well that’s about it. I’ll let you know more if I get any more “scoops.”
-Anon-
Thanks Anonymous. I'm sure my minions are grateful for the update(s).
Mooj:
Our daughter could have her pick of the local boys but insists on going out with a boy who seems incapable of finding work. She is 21 and is working hard for her Master's Degree at Auburn University. In her spare time she teaches aerobics. She has been going out with her boyfriend for nine months and I must admit we quite like him, but he makes no attempt to get himself a life. He has no talent or skills and just sits around all day watching NASCAR and wrestling on TV. They rarely go out and she never has any money to herself because he takes it all to buy beer. If I say anything I am nagging. Typically, my husband refuses to say anything - except that it is her life. I don't understand why she is content to settle for this when he has so little to offer.
Desperate in Alabama
Hey lady....You live in Alabama! The fact that your daughter dates a man that can communicate without using grunts and groans should be of some comfort to you. I doubt their relationship progresses beyond one or two illegitimate children, anyway. And if they do get married it surely won't last. Cheer up!
Oh Mooj,
I had the most wonderful dream last night! I dreamed that I was
a member of the Vienna Boys Choir and got to travel all over Europe with
the boys. Oooooooh!
Mr. Ajax
The Mooj is happy for you (I guess).
How come you haven't sent me my Mooj Minion Number yet?
Myron B. Randell
Raleigh, NC
According to my non-paid interns your minion
application arrived on December 22, 1999 at 3:44 p.m. and the above
letter arrived on December 22, 1999 at 3:48 p.m. Surely you don't
think your application can be processed and approved within a matter of minutes
do you? You were subsequently approved by the Minion Select Committee
(which as of now just consists of my two non-paid interns) on December
23 at 4:43 a.m. and assigned Mooj Minion # 1125. If I'm not mistaken
your vital statistics are summarized below, where appropriate. The
Mooj should remind you that patience is a virtue of being a Mooj minion!
Mooj,
I just bought a pair of jeans that I didn't try on. They are a size bigger than I normally wear and they don't fit. I might mention that my old size 12's fit, albeit snugly. I am really really upset and just needed a shoulder to cry on.
Anonymous
The Mooj is happy to be there for you. The Mooj loves you and that's all that matters (even if you do have a fat ass).
Dear Mooj,
My "friend" said that he is ready for a "different" kind of relationship
and I don't know what exactly that means. Could you elaborate?
Killian Kerwin
S.F., CA
(Think about it. Sounds to me like he wants
to put a little steam on your anchor.)
Larry Kenwood, Mooj Minion #1119 is from Culver City, CA and claims to be related to the rainbow wig guy. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "I want this more than anything...even air."
An anonymous female now known as Mooj Minion #1120 said nothing about herself except that she was suffering from taper worms.
Wm. G. Wadsworth, Mooj Minion #1121 is President of the Whig Revivalist Party in Washington D.C. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "The second amendment is just that: the second amendment. Not the third, not the fourth, not the fifth, not the sixth, not the tenth, not the fifteenth, not even the twenty second! It's the second behind only the first! It was so damn important to the framers of our Constitution that it was made more important than all the others—except for the first! Why did our Founding Fathers feel the second amendment was so important? Simple. They knew and clearly understood that for any tyrant to succeed he would first have to disarm the public—since tyranny is impossible when those governed are capable of defending their freedom at all costs! There were no discussions, no compromises; they all—to the last man—understood, as with freedom of speech, that freedom to keep and bear arms is essential to maintain liberty. That Mooj, is why I must and will be a Mooj Minion! Semper Fi!"
Shlomo G., Mooj Minion #1122 is a member of the Waterman's Association and hails from Seaford, DE. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "I love ya, man."
Cory Feltcher, Mooj Minion #1123 is an elementary school teacher from North Hollywood, CA. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "I'm a people person.... I especially like people with big love organs."
Lance Winters, Mooj Minion #1124 is an old friend of The Mooj's from way back—in fact, we were shipmates together in the U.S. Navy. Lance is a distiller from Freemont, CA. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "The steel of my soul was forged in the same fire as that of the Mooj!"
Myron B. Randall, Mooj Minion #1125 is a beer man from Raleigh, NC. His response to why he would make a good Mooj Head was: "The totality of my spiritual experience has been from burned out freak therapists shoveling up warmed over 60's 'encounter group' BS. I'm sick and tired of being placed in a room full of clueless Bozos and being snowed under by all of their Prozac-induced drivel. I need the Mooj."
Stephanie Tower, Mooj Minion #1126 is a data analyst from Suffolk, VA. Her response to why she would make a good Mooj Head was: "You make me smile every week with your humor and poetry. I would like just once to be affiliated with someone who is loving, friendly, and happy. I don't have much to offer you except my absolute devotion."
This week's poem was written by a pal of mine at The U.S. State Department (who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons).
Los Alamos Ala Mode
Wen Ho Lee was a master spy,
The best in all the landWen Ho Lee was a plasma guy
With secrets close at handFar away in China, his discs they were downloaded
Then a new bomb, atomic, soon thereafter explodedHow could all this happen you ask?
Who is it to blame?
The answer is quite simple:
Hazel O' Leary is her name!
This week's story comes from Francis Marion Bustafusco of Walpole, MA. It's a true story, or so he says:
Where There's Smoke......
Back when my grandfather was a young man he drove an oil truck in the city of Boston. One night, while making deliveries in the Chelsea area he noticed a large brick building with smoke billowing out of the windows. He ran as fast as he could to the corner firebox and pulled the alarm. Minutes later fire trucks came blazing down the street and roared right past him. A short time later the very same fire trucks came roaring up the street and, again, drove right past him. The fire trucks continued to drive up and down the street until finally one of the firemen noticed my poor grandfather frantically jumping up and down in the middle of the street waving his arms over his head. One of the firemen yelled:
"Hey buddy! Did you pull the fire alarm?"
"Yes!" said my grandfather as he tried to catch his breath.
"Well, where's the fire?"
"Over there! Over there!" said my grandfather as he pointed to the building with all the smoke coming out of the windows.
When the Firemen saw which building that my grandfather was pointing to they began to curse and climb back into their fire trucks.
"Go and take a closer look at the building you jack ass!" screamed one of the firemen.
After all the hoses and ladders were put away and the angry firemen drove off my grandfather cautiously walked across the street and observed a large sign on the front of the building that read:
“CHELSEA SMOKE HOUSE, Smoked Fish and Meat.”
On or about December 16th, Lance, Trent and myself arrived in College Park, MD to meet up with our new pal Jeff W. We knew little or nothing about Jeff, other than that he was a student at The University of Maryland. We found The School of Journalism right away and then sadly learned from the receptionist that a student by the name of “Jeff” had just flunked out and was, coincidentally, being held by the campus police for bouncing a check at the campus bookstore. When it was confirmed that this poor fellow’s last name began with a “W” we decided to bust our new pal out of the campus police complex.
Trent looked more like a college student than either Lance or I did so he was
chosen to distract the front desk officer while Lance and I clandestinely
entered the complex behind him to search for Jeff. While Trent was
giving an emotional narration to the front desk officer about a peeping
tom in the dorms Lance and I made our way toward the rear of the police
station. When we unexpectedly encountered a pair of campus security
guards we attacked them and rendered them unconscious. We then continued
our search until we found a harmless looking individual sitting quietly
in a small room crying. We asked this poor fellow if he was Jeff
W., the former journalism student turned check bouncer. He affirmed to
us that he was. We introduced ourselves and then busted him out.
(It was actually quite easy since the room where Jeff was being held had
an unlocked door, which exited to the outside.)
From that moment on we developed a strong rapport with out new pal
Jeff and he was a welcome addition to our group, especially since he was
the one with the treasure map. This was also my first official meeting with
the boy genius Trent Handjoy. I had to admit that he wasn’t as annoying
as I thought he would be. (I guess all his recent setbacks had mellowed
him out a bit.) My first and foremost protégé Lance Worthy
was his usual self, except now he seemed slightly jealous about the others
sharing my attention.
Since
we still had a substantial amount of money leftover from the funding provided to
us by the Handjoy family (for taking Trent with us on our adventure) our first
course of action was to rent a small motel room near the campus. We promptly
set up a war room and began planning our expedition. Trent
and Jeff quickly began writing sophisticated computer codes to superimpose
the hand-drawn illustration by Inge Svensson onto actual topological maps
of the Azores. Within a short amount of time Trent and Jeff were
pretty sure which of the Azores' nine islands was on Svensson's
map. Trent and Jeff then downloaded several reliable sources of data
on trade shipping into and out of the Azores between 1888 and 1889 (when
they estimate Inge Svensson was a pirate) and pinpointed areas of above
average pirate activity. This information was then added to their
topological database and used to refine their “best fit” model. Several
iterations later they began to focus on a place called Malaga Cove
on the island of Sao Miguel. Trent and Jeff spent the next
several days at The Library of Congress examining and translating
Portuguese accounts of Swedish personnel, who regularly came and went with
the trade ships into Sao Miguel. They found several accounts
of someone called "Inge the Impaler" by the natives and often this
person was referred to as una Swedeo popaou (a pompous Swede)
in local literature. Trent and Jeff also cross-referenced several hotel
and tavern receipts that were catalogued and filed in Lisbon by Swedish
merchants paying taxes on Sao Miguel to focus on places where
Svensson spent most of his time. Then Svensson's favorite hotels,
whorehouses, barbershops and spas were used triangulate his zone of comfort
and develop a histogram of where he most likely spent his time when in
port. By December 22nd Trent and Jeff, using soil stratification
data, old cemetery records and groundwater salinity reports had pinpointed the exact
coordinates of the buried treasure. Now all that was left to do was to
go there and actually dig it up. Unfortunately, though, with all the computers and equipment
needed to perform the pre trip analysis, all our money was gone.
(Actually only $5,360.54 was spent on research. Lance and I used
the balance to pay for booze and hookers to keep ourselves busy while Trent and
Jeff did their research.) As soon as we get some additional funding
we’ll be off for the Azores. Check in again next week to see how
we're doing.
Those of you lucky enough to own (or have a copy of) Mooj Weekly Standard, Volume II, No. 52 (i.e., the December 29, 1998 Newsletter) can verify that I made several predictions for 1999. Eleven of these predictions (out of a total of twenty) came true. A 60% success rate for any psychic would be a mark of greatness but not for The Mooj. I am upset that I was off by so far. It should be pointed out, however, that these predictions were made before I was zapped with lightning so officially I wasn't really even a psychic back then. For the benefit of those of you among my readership that don't have copies of my newsletters published before The Mooj Weekly Standard became available online I'll repeat those 1999 predictions (and their eventual outcome status) for you below:
Predictions for The Year 1999 (Made on December 29, 1998)
The Yankees will beat Houston in the World Series (Half right)
Clinton will be acquitted on all impeachment charges (Right)
Clinton will do the right thing and resign after this whole Monica Lewsinsky ordeal is over (Wrong)
Al Gore will win the DC Lottery and tell the whole world to kiss his ass (Wrong)
Wisconsin will beat UCLA in the Rose Bowl (Right)
Tennessee will win its first NCAA men's football championship (Right)
Peyton Manning will win Super Bowl MVP (Wrong)
Mike Tyson will go to jail for beating up Fiona Apple (Half right)
UConn will beat Duke to win their first ever NCAA men's basketball championship (Right)
Manchester United will beat Bayern Munich to capture the Champion's League Title (Right)
US will bomb Serbia (Right)
US will bomb Chad (Wrong)
China will steal nuclear secrets from America (Right)
China will attack Brazil (Wrong)
Texas will Succeed from the Union again (Wrong)
A famous person will die in a plane crash off Martha's Vineyard (Right)
A famous person will die in a volcano accident (Wrong)
A tornado will strike Salt Lake City, UT (Right)
A giant tsunami will wipe out Delaware (Wrong)
Be sure to read next week's thrilling newsletter to see what my predictions are for The Year 2000.
Well folks, I can say no more. Best wishes to all and yours and
have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
