4-23-MWS

As is usually the case, The Mooj Mail Bag has gathered the submittals of minions, non minions and notable others. Since so many of you have taken the time to write to The Mooj I now feel obliged to sift through it all and respond to what I can. If you are in need of sagely advice—or perhaps just want to share something special about yourself—feel free to contact The Mooj. All Mooj Mail is considered worthy of reflection unless the submitter has been forever banned from all Mooj sanctioned minion activities (and there are only three or four people that fit in that unflattering category). If you are unsure of your status as a Mooj minion then submit your name and minion number to The Mooj Legal Department and they will search my minion database to clarify your status. Chances are that if you are current with your minion dues then you are a member in good standing.

Dear Mooj,

I can totally relate to that guy who thought that he owned a Pontiac GOOOLE (see November 10, 2000 newsletter). For a long time I used to see this beautiful foreign looking woman in my apartment complex carport. She had olive skin, dark hair and hairy arms and she always smelled really exotic. Her car was always parked next to mine and I was very shy and reluctant to speak to her because of her immense beauty. She drove a Merkur XR4TI and for the longest time I thought it was a Merkur XRATI. One day I got the courage to speak to her and asked her if she liked being an Italian porn star. She flipped out and started yelling at me in some language that I couldn't understand. She then broke the antenna off my 1966 VW Microbus and beat me with it. She left me both emotionally and physically scarred. I don’t know why but I thought "XRATI" meant "X-rated" in Italian. I found out later that she was actually an Iranian.

Thanks for Listening!

Algore Hemswad (minion #889), Pontiac MI.

The Great and Loving Mooj finds your story too upsetting and confusing to comment on at this time. Perhaps next year, after I make a New Year's resolution to be more patient and understanding with my "slower" minions I will be able to get back to you on this one.

Mooj,

I am convinced my wife is having an affair with the coalman. I keep finding black handprints all over my house. I first noticed these "sooty" handprints on my sheets and all over my headboard. The following week I noticed a big thumb print on the bathroom door. Later I found carbonaceous sediment on my carpet, indicating that he and my wife probably made love on the floor. My wife and I haven’t made love much recently and things have been difficult between us because I have been unemployed for three years now. Because I don’t trust her anymore I’m going to have to hang around the house all day instead of hanging around down at the local bar. When I catch this guy I’m going to beat him like a redheaded Irishman.

Jacob McVicker (minion #1081), Peach Bottom, PA

If you are still using coal to heat your house then you are a bigger idiot than your letter seems to indicate. Good God, man, don't they have natural gas and/or oil heat in Peach Bottom, PA? As far as your wife goes The Mooj suspects that she is just a messy housekeeper and that is why you find sooty handprints all over the place. The Mooj will pray and meditate for you and your wife (and the people of Peach Bottom, PA, who appear to be without the modern conveniences of life).

Mooj,

I walked into my 14-year-old son’s bedroom the other night and found him dancing about the room with a pair of my black tights on. I am so worried about him now.

Roger Pauster, Greybull, MT.

Hmmm. Did the Mooj read this right? You say they were your black tights? The Mooj is unclear as to what your concern is about. Is it the fact that your son was wearing your tights or that he was dancing around in them. Either way, The Mooj thinks you better keep an eye on the lad.

Dearest Mooj

I recently perused Nesba.org to view my daughter’s marching band statistics and LO & BEHOLD they had a picture of you on their website (or at least I think it is you) entitled "drunk and obnoxious fan." I know you travel a lot and this person looks like he's been on the long and winding road....Is this man you?

Yours, K.P. (minion #200).

The Mooj has checked out that particular website and can assure you that the person shown there is not me (or at least I don't think it is).

Some legal advice if you please El-Mooj-e-mundo! As a California Law Dog, in the San Francisco Bay Region, I often encounter some rather [naughty people] from the 3rd street region of a prominent northern Cal. city. The most recent of these close encounters was with one Laquisha Monique McCoy (and yes she was the real McCoy). Young Laquisha sauntered into a local clothing boutique and attempted to purchase some $400 worth of clothing. The problem in this particular incident was that Laquisha presented a forged check and identification card in the name of Kimberli Jenee Edwards. The astute store clerk notified the local constabulary, and yours truly arrived to save the day. Laquisha queried me on a legal point, with which I was not familiar. Her defense rested on the point that 1) she one had poor credit, and 2) she was entitled to one alias. So I bit, what did one have to do with the other I asked. Laquisha told me that because her credit was bad she was entitled to create another identity and apply for credit cards, open bank accounts, and defraud merchants under her one legally entitled alias of Kimberli Edwards. Well I didn't think so. That is to say I didn't entirely believe her, so I arrested her for various felonies and took her to the pokey. My question to the Mooj Dude is was I right or could I lose this one in court? Are certain people allowed one alias (due to bad credit) and allowed to defraud merchants with bad checks and fake I.D. cards?

Sleepless in the Bay Region

The Mooj is by no means a legal expert on California municipal law; however, I doubt even a state as liberal and screwed up as California would pass such an idiotic law. (But then again Willie Brown is still mayor of S.F. so I guess it might be possible.)

Most Gracious and Worthy Swamaji Mooj,

Greetings and salutations blessed one. I am one of your lifelong devotees living in Saratoga Springs, NY. Several weeks past you stayed with me and my family while wandering aimless and sorrowful throughout the Saratoga County area. We were delighted to meet you and have you as our guest for a few days. Swamaji, the reason I am writing is twofold: first, to thank you for the blessings you bestowed upon our humble home and, secondly, to ask if by some chance you may have inadvertently removed valuable silverware from our house. Sadly, the silver turned up missing right after you did. Not that we would ever think that you had anything to do with the missing silverware, it’s just that my wife found our silver for sale at a local pawnshop later and the guy told her that some Punjabi-looking swami guy brought it in and sold it to him. In truth, no harm was done since we were able to buy back our extremely rare silver for only $2,000 (which is much less than its actual value).

Yours in harmonic convergence,
The Gilbert Family, Saratoga Springs, NY.

The Mooj remembers you and your family very well. I was very fortunate to make your acquaintances and hope to see you again if ever I am in that area again. As far as the silver is concerned I have no idea what you are talking about.

Mooj,

If you take a look at that remarkable post-election map, in which all of George W. Bush's states are red, and all of Al Gore's states are blue, you would be forgiven for thinking that we live in essentially two nations. A friend recalled the map of pre-independence India: a vast, red Hindu subcontinent adorned with a Muslim necklace in the regions that would shortly become Pakistan and Bangladesh. Look at post-election America, and you see a similarly clear geographic divide: the liberal, urban coasts with a couple of Midwestern blobs nervously framing a homogeneous, conservative heartland. I think the time has come for us Mooj minions to rise up and take control of this divided nation the way the British would have back when they were a world power instead of a ridiculous 3rd world socialist nation. Minions Unite!!!!!!

A. Sullivan, Boca Raton, FL.

The Mooj is unclear on your thinking. But then, of course, The Mooj is also unclear on his own thinking too.

Mooj,

You may not remember me but I was one of the vast multitude of Mooj minions letting you sleep on his sofa back in early November, when you were desperately searching for safe havens in upper state NY. I have delayed sending this email to you for fear that my name and/or address might tip off your pursuer J.J. Bigsby as to your present whereabouts. I would have delayed sending this letter even longer but then realized that it’s really up to you when you post it (if you do). Here’s why I am writing to you. When you were staying with me did you by any chance see my rare collection of baseball cards? Up until November 10th my collection was safely locked away in my den safe. Somehow, right after you left, someone broke into my den and stole all my cards. I had some really rare ones in there, including a Ted Williams rookie card. That collection is worth an estimated $25,000 and I am devastated by its loss. Can you use you psychic powers to tell me who did this and why? Also, do I have any chance of recovering these lost cards?

Kevin Pauly (minion #1099), East Milton, NY

The Mooj senses that your valuable cards are probably long gone. The Mooj is sorry for your loss and hopes that they can be recovered in a timely manner. (The Mooj also had no idea that they were worth $25,000! I guess some kid got a great deal on eBay.)

Hello Mooj,

My name is Hiro.

I live in Osaka, Japan. I am rod builder. Suddenly I am sorry to send mail to you. Would you please look at my work, when you can find the time. And please tell me the impressions.

Sincerely.

Hiro.

http://homepage2.nifty.com/customrod/

The Mooj has no idea who this person is or what this person is asking me about. I suggest minions who are into fishing please check out this guy's website. The man looks like he does very good work.

Dear Mooj.

Thank you for your mail. I am glad to your impressions. I think I delay a reply, as I can't speak English very well. And if yes, Please be my friend.

Sincerely.

Hiro.

http://homepage2.nifty.com/customrod/

The Mooj suspects that this person is responding to my auto responder, which automatically responded to his previous email message. Again, The Mooj invites his minions to check out Hiro's fishing rod website.

Most gracious Mooj,

I bid thee humble and prolonged salutations! How fortunate I was that you shared a few days with me last month, while you were transgressing through the Albany, Saratoga corridor in search of safety and lodging. Although our time together was short, the wisdom you imparted upon me was worth the weight of the sun and I am a much better man today because of it. Perhaps meeting you is why today I am no longer transfixed with material wealth, as I was before we met. I used to be attached to this earth with physical things but now I am bonded by wisdom and wonder. The thing that proves this is that shortly after you left my house my entire life savings was stolen from me. Somehow, some crook was able to filch my ATM card and then empty my bank account of everything. The old me would have been devastated and bent on revenge. The new me doesn’t care. As far as I'm concerned I am now free of material wealth so that I can wander the world in search of greater wisdom and piety. I owe it all to you most wondrous Mooj.

"Mr. Gonzo," Minion 650, Rock City Falls, NY.

Yes, in many ways you do.

Dear Friends & Family:

Its that time of year again. ‘Tis the Season for Caring, Compassion, Respect, and Spirituality. And, in the spirit of the approaching Holiday Season, I thought it was time to get my annual Christmas list off to all of you. I want to remove the stress of finding "just the right gift" for me. When I was a kid, I had the typical Christmas Eve dreams. Along with the sugar plum fairies dancing, and Mommy kissing Santa under the Mistletoe, I wondered, "What would Santa bring me? " I was a typical kid. I liked the Hula Hoop, Barbie & Ken, and my Zorro mask. I had pet chickens roosting in the Pine trees in the backyard, a chameleon living in a wastebasket in my room, and a cat named "Lucky" who lived anywhere in the house that she wanted. Christmas was special. You could ask for ANYTHING! Santa had my list. After all, I gave him my handwritten pages down at W.T. Grants in plenty of time for the Elves to take care of my requests…. But, being as young as I was, I must have misspelled something, or not been clear enough for Santa to understand all the toys that I wanted, for I never got the Pony named "White Socks," or the 6 shooters with the Lone Ranger holster and the silver bullets. - I got the Wyatt Earp set! See? I just did not have the attention to detail back then. Now that I am older, I can make it easier for you all. I can be very specific. Any questions on the following list…just let me know, I’ll clarify:

I still want the pony named White Socks

And 2 cases of Bic Pilot pens, black, fine point (my inventory is getting low)

Wise potato chips (a case will do—6 oz bags only—the larger bags tend to have broken chips and I like the Big Ones)

Leopard skin socks – Tan (I already have a great pair in blue)

A phaser to beam up William Shatner the next time he decides to sing for Priceline.com

Gift certificates to Barnes & Noble to buy the entire Stephen King First s Edition collection

Leopard skin Waterbed sheets (Queen size—matching pillow cases would be nice too.)

A year’s supply of contact lenses (now that I’ve found I can wear them)

A Leopard Skin eyeglass case (to hold the spare pair I now have)

And a month’s supply of Legg’s pantyhose would be nice…B/taupe, B/coffee, B/nude, or my favorite—I gotta B/Me.

Instant Style I-Zone Instant Pocket Camera (hint-The Gap will give it to me free with a $100 purchase—In lieu of the camera, I’ll take a $100 gift certificate)

A pony named White Socks

Micro blast computer speakers

Tekno the robot puppy

Salt water fishing rod (and a box of sea worms to go with it would be nice)

2000 Seaswirl 175 Bowrider O/B (http://www.boatsdirect.com/yourBoatResults.cfm) This site has a beauty and it would go very nicely with the fishing rod in the above request. (Only $13,900!!)

Michael Bolton Concert tickets

Limo for the Michael Bolton concert

A date with Michael Bolton (I did catch a wedding bouquet this year)

A date with anyone!

Intel Pentium lll Processor @ 733mhz, 14.1 xga display, 256MB RDRAM-10 gig Eide Hard drive, 32MB Elsa Synergy Force, and Zip drive

2001 Saturn SL2, blue/green, CD/Tape/Radio, electric windows & doors, Standard Transmission, 4 door

Boston Public Garden Swan Boat picture for the blank wall over my fireplace

Swan boat ride

Electric screwdriver (I have my reasons)

A 2.4 GHz Cordless Telephone with an All-Digital Answering System. These features would provide me with enhanced clarity and security, superior reception and high-quality digital message recording! Other features of this model include Low Cost Routing, a money saving feature that selects a low-cost long distance carrier each time you dial, as well as Voice Assisted Operation, Message File Storage, and a Headset Jack! Just the perfect gift for a girl on the go like me!!!!

A round, red laundry basket

A year’s tuition to go back and get my Master’s degree

A year’s tuition for my daughter Grace to get her Bachelor’s degree

A pony (named White Socks)

An Antique, upright, player piano. (A harpsichord will do quite nicely if Player piano cannot be found)

Designer wrist protectors (Leopard motif would be perfect)

A tattoo by David @ http://renaissancetattoo.com/davids.html. (The lady with the cats on her back is my cousin)

Did I mention the pony?

ST. Catherine’s Convent/Norwood—yes, I want a convent! I want it to enable my Billing dept to move there! It is close to my home, I could walk to work, be close to family, (and God, considering the short walk to confession we would all have) And if this were my gift, I could collect rent as income and pay for the above-mentioned tuitions!!!!

A pony—you guessed it—named White Socks. (And please—no faux ponies. The last list I sent out had my genuine plea for a red sports car. The 5 "matchbox" versions I received were not exactly what I had in mind.

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Kate

The Mooj hopes Kate gets at least one of the items on her wish list.

Mooj,

My girlfriend says our sex life is boring and has suggested that we try a threesome. I don't know if I should go along with this. I am 74 and have been going out with this 22-year-old girl for six months. I have to say our love life isn’t terribly exciting anymore but I have no idea how to vary it or to surprise her. One day she suggested trying three in a bed and I began to feel really inadequate. I love her and don’t want to lose her to a much younger guy (if she was to compare the two of us together at the same time) so I think I need to do something to pep up our sex life. But what? Back in the 1940s women weren’t so hard to please!

"Grampy" Hingley, Dover DE.

For obvious reasons The Mooj will ignore this letter and hope that Grampy Hingley (whoever he is) doesn't bother me again with such utter nonsense. Grampy Hingley may fool his fellow cohabitants at the old folk's home with his wild and outlandish tales but not me.