“Please do not do me the disservice of removing me from your mailing list.  Reading your newsletter is my only way of staying connected with the world.”  (Scott M.)

“Hey you pervert! Stop sending me naked pictures of yourself!” (Sylvia, C.) 

[Editor’s Note: I’m not sure what this lady is talking about.  I don’t recall sending naked pictures of myself to anyone.  This lady, perhaps, might have been a recent subscriber to the now discontinued MOOJ ARTISAN GUILD BULLETIN.  I recall posing in the altogether for a still life study entitled: “Good Old Fashioned Banana Art.”]

“Hey Mooj, I must be one of those names you gleaned from an unreliable source.  Please send me some of your poems I could use the culture amplification!” (Jean H.)

“Please stop sending me mail!” (Mike B.)

“I have requested several times that you take me off of your mailing list.  This is starting to get very annoying.”  (Fieko, D.)

“El Mujo! Escucha usted moron con el pelo rojo, para el enviar me de E-mail o vendré abajo allí y le golpearé con el pie en el anus!" (Pedro, G.)

[Editor’s Note: Thanks Pedro.  I can’t understand what you wrote, my International friend, but I’m glad you’re enjoying the newsletter.]

--Owed to Mooj--

Mooj,
Mooj,
My good friend, Mooj

He started manhood with a heavy heart
Like Scrooge

He kicked some bums, he stole their wine
He used their sleeping bags
He never returned mine
No he never returned mine

He lived high on the hog
He only shared the spoils with his dog
He his mind was in a fog
Liven' high on that hog
Yeah, high on that hog

A revelation Mooj had
One night after hittin’ the pipe
He just filled his belly and his dog’s
With some nasty old tripe
Yeah it was nasty old tripe

Now Mooj was the type
That would kick a man when he’s down
His "rep" was large all over that town
You see Mooj was low down
Man oh Man, I said that man was loooooooow down!

Like a snake in the grass
Or a thief in the night
He trusted no man until he went to sea in that sampan
Old Mooj sailed the sea of Japan
A Long cruise alone in that Sampan

He beached that boat on an Isle
He keel hauled and carbunckled
After he rankled his ankle
He turned over a new leaf
Mooj shed all that old grief
Yes he shed his old grief

He has given all that he could
And when he was all out of givens
Mooj went to the bank
With his bluty-pow weapons
He took from the rich and he
Gave to himself

Now he's a guest of the Warden
IN A CELL ALL BY HISSELF
YEAH, ALL BY HISSELF!!!!!!!!

Thank you Maya.  I am confident that I speak for all the loyal Mooj Minions out there when I say that you touched us, touched us in a very special way.

People often ask me if I have other talents beside poetry.  Charter subscribers of my newsletter probably remember that I used to send out video clips of myself performing various interpretive dance routines.  I have thought about doing something similar of late but I’m afraid it would make my e-mail files too large.  Now that I have ended my hunger strike I am slowly regaining strength and may once again return to the dance floor.

This week’s recipe comes from the prestigious San Jose County Girl’s Reformatory:

[Editor’s note: the staff here at the Mooj Weekly Standard decided to omit the recipe; it was found to be in bad taste—both from a culinary and moral standpoint.]

Apparently Three Out of Four People Make up 75% of the Population
Bayesianism is For Sorry-Assed Losers
Bring Your Fission Daughter to Work Day
Henry David Thoreau’s Guide to Holistic Transcendental Drinking
Herbal Warfare
Hot Adiabatic Nights
I wouldn’t be Caught Dead with a Necrophiliac
If you Clone yourself Four Times, One of you Will be Chinese
Integrated Separation of Non-Homogeneous Combinations
Marie Curie—A Woman with X-ray Vision!
The Midas Smell
The Selection of Random Numbers is too Important to be Left to Chance
The Uniform Theory of Stochasticity
The Wonderful World of Goat Boy
Too much Hot Plasma Going On Here
Victoria’s Biggest Secret was that She Was a Man!

From the amount of  “hate mail” I've been getting lately I can only assume that there are a few unintended persons receiving my weekly newsletter.  I have also from time to time been asking for help in some special causes, which in the past have included:
 
The Free Tibet Militia
The Free Nelson Mandela Foundation*
Hemp, Hemp Hurray! Foundation
Cons for Clinton
Save Our Children (A special interest group trying to ban piñatas)
Men of La Leche, and
The Princess Diana Land Mine Recycling Fund

If you were contacted about any of the above organizations and you are not currently on my Friends of Mooj Social Action and Awareness Mailing List I am very sorry.  If you are currently not receiving these solicitations and would like to please let me know and I will add your name to the list.

I have also been getting complaints from people whom have inadvertently been receiving my poems via email.  From the tone of their correspondence I can only assume that they did not specifically request them.  I apologize profusely to these people.  If you would like receive my poetry let me know and I will accommodate you.

To end all this confusion I am wiping my e-mail roster clean and will no longer include you in my various forums, newsgroups, and social causes unless you specifically write back and ask to be included.  I admit that previous mailing lists were sometimes gleaned from unreliable sources and may have included persons that were never intended to be contacted.

Please feel free to contact me electronically (via my e-mail address) or in writing:

Inmate Number 45-4578
C/O Chester County Jail
West Chester, PA 19381

* I apologize to all those who sent money to the Free Nelson Mandela Foundation; I did not realize that he had already been freed from Prison.