4-9-MWS

First Things First: The Mooj says, "Better late than never.....as far as newsletters go anyway." This, of course, is in regard to the fact that this week's newsletter is about two weeks overdue. I have no excuse other than to say that I'm lazy and hope that you'll forgive me. If you are a paying subscriber then your account will be credited with an additional two week's worth of newsletters. If you are a non paid subscriber and just download this newsletter for free then all you get is this apology.

This week's newsletter should be a highly enriching and enjoyable ride through literary excellence. Or, perhaps, maybe not. Either way it contains just what you need to get you through another week. All The Mooj asks is that you take from it what you can, apply it, and then make the world, yourself and your community a better place to live.

"The Mooj Mailbag"

Each week The Mooj receives dozens and dozens of letters from his admiring fans. This week was no exception (except that some of my fans weren't so admiring). Come, let's join together as we take a stroll through the Merry Mooj Mail Bag.....

I’m unclear on something: are you an Uzbekistani or Indian? You claim to be Uzbekistani-Punjabi but look, talk and act like a typical Indian male. I have many friends from India and they say Umbababbarababa is a Bengali name. I personally don’t give a hoot one way or the other because I totally love and trust you. Thanks for just being there for me when I need you most.

Essex Man

Essex Man, I have been asked this particular question so many times [lately] that I have decided beginning next week (or soon thereafter) to re-publish portions of my famous 6,145 page tome [which I wrote many years ago] entitled: The History of the Umbababbaraba Family: From Ancient Mohenjo-Daro to Uzbekistan, a Journey of 4000 Years and 600 Miles. For over 200 generations my family had lived in the Punjab until my great great grandfather Veejayputtia (1822 - 1866) migrated north into Uzbekistan during the Great Uzbekistani Gold Rush. If you're a big Mooj fan then you'll love this enthralling family historical epic. If you're not a big Mooj fan then you probably won't care.

Editor's note:

A half-dozen or so letters arrived this week from members of The Bay Area Predators, my official pen pal hockey team in the ICHL. In my opinion these letters were too vulgar to print in this family oriented newsletter and so they were cast aside into the Mooj Trash Bag. In the future The Mooj asks his humble friends on the Predators to refrain from making tasteless references to peanuts (more precisely where they would like peanuts deposited and then eaten from) and perspiration (more precisely which part of their anatomy perspiration might accumulate during a hockey game). Two Predator email messages that weren't as vulgar as the others will, however, be included. Enjoy.

Dear Mooj,

[Peanut and sweat reference omitted, basically this fellow was volunteering himself as a peanut dispenser.] ...But, Mooj, I wonder if you really do want to repair the broken relationship with the Bay Area Predators, as you still continue to write hateful poetry about us. I suspect that you still have some “issues” to deal with. Be honest. You secretly want to play for the Predators, don't you?

"Mr. Big Secret"
Bay Area Predator
San Jose, CA.

To be honest I think I now know why the Predators are doing so lousy this season—they're more interested in inserting peanuts in their rectal cavities than playing hockey. The Mooj could care less what these fellows do in their spare time but on game nights they should abstain from this practice and skate like real men. The all knowing and omnipotent Mooj also recommends that the Predators allow a certain "Jolly Roger" to sign up with the team next season, .... from what I understand this fellow is a pretty good skater and would fit in pretty well with the guys since he is more than willing to insert peanuts (or anything, really) into his southward facing orifice. And as far as the name change goes (The Mooj's psychic senses tell him that the Predators are considering changing their name next season) I suggest that you call yourselves The Mooj Heads. If you do so I might even consider flying out to San Jose to watch you play your inaugural game next year.

[Your poetry] is very spiritually profound but you can leave the subtle digs out my brother.

“Db480volts”
Member of the Predators

Remember dear friend in the eyes of The Mooj you are all winners. Along with changing your name next year I suggest that you drop back down into the division you were in the previous year (where the other teams were more "your speed").

For years I have been sitting by and watching silently as you ridicule everyone and everything that’s important to me. But that’s not why I’m writing to you; this letter serves only to tell you that I am very intrigued by what you and your cohorts have found on the island of Sao Miguel. I suspect that you may have unwittingly stumbled upon something that is of great importance to me and my family. Before I personally arrive in Sao Miguel to take command of the treasure hunt I would like to give you some background information on who I am and why I am entitled to the treasure you have just found. What I am about to tell you is of the utmost secrecy and must never be told to another person—living or dead, so help you God.

The treasure you have found on Sao Miguel is the long lost treasure of the Knights Templar. The Knights Templar were formed in 1118 A.D. under the guise of escorting and protecting pilgrims traveling to and from the Holy Land in the early days of the Crusades. But the Knights Templars had a much more secret mission: to excavate the ruins under the ancient Temple of Solomon. In 1133 they found what they were looking for (The Arc of the Covenant and The Holy Grail) and something else that was far more important—something so controversial that it could never be shared with the world and was, thus, hidden away and concealed in the vicinity of Rennes le Chateau, a Templar outpost in the Pyrenees, near Montseguer.

During the Crusades the Templars were extremely important and soon became the wealthiest men in all of Europe. Hundreds pledged their fortunes and their lands for the privilege of joining their order and they grew in numbers and wealth each year. The Templars started the world’s first bank and by the late 1200s they were by far the richest and most powerful knights in all of Europe. When Jerusalem and the Holy lands were finally lost to Islam, the backlash against the Templars was swift. The King of France (a guy named King Philip IV) was heavily in debt to the Templars and used their new found unpopularity as an excuse to steal their enormous wealth. In 1307 King Philip ordered all Templars arrested, tortured and burned at the stake. The Templars appeared to have been warned in advance because there was an organized flight of Templars and all of their treasure and documents were safely evacuated from France to Scotland, where the Scottish independence movement provided an excellent cover. The Templars would repay their Scottish guardians by defeating the English at Brannockburn a few years later. The most powerful family in Scotland was the Sinclairs and their ancestral lands in the isles provided a safe haven for the Templar fleet and the Sinclair fortress at Rosslyn was deemed an ideal place to house the Templar treasure and documents.

In 1398, almost a hundred years before Columbus, Prince Henry Sinclair set sail in search of the New World to form a New Jerusalem and discovered Estotilanda (today this place is called Nova Scotia). There he built a small colony and began preparing the settlement for the Templars and sacred Templar treasure. Prince Henry, however, died before this was realized and the Templars remained in Scotland. Then in 1436 the English threatened Rosslyn Castle and the Sinclairs finally decided it was time to bring the Templar treasure to Nova Scotia. But it never arrived—their ship and their treasure mysteriously disappeared somewhere in the mid-Atlantic Ocean. There has always been some speculation that the ship ran aground in the Azores and that the Sinclairs had no choice but to bury their treasure there and hope to return and retrieve it someday.

Needless to say what you have found in Sao Miguel is mine because I am the last of the Sinclairs and the rightful heir to the Templar treasure. Don’t worry, I shall pay you handsomely for retrieving it for me.

Yours Truly,
Alfred Sinclair Lewis
Dobbensborough, Scotland

You must be high on crack me Bon Laddy friend. I suggest you check yourself back into the Scottish Insane Asylum.

I have spent my entire life and fortune trying to prove that William Shakespeare was a fraud and that all his plays and sonnets were actually written by Sir Francis Bacon. Your discovery on Sao Miguel in the Azores will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right and that my life’s work has not been in vain. The object of this letter is not to prove that Sir Francis Bacon wrote Shakespeare’s plays. That conviction can only be earned by reading any, if not all, of the hundreds of volumes that have been written on this subject. The cumulative weight of the documentary verification that Shakespeare did not, and Bacon did, write the plays is so enormous that any discussion here would be completely unsatisfactory to someone as smart as you. The gist of the Baconian case is that Bacon wrote them—and numerous other works—under various noms de plume. The names Bacon used were those of actual persons, who were well paid for the privilege. Bacon’s purpose in life was to collect and organize all knowledge, scientific, historical, philosophical and otherwise, and to free the world from ignorance and superstition. However, anonymity was an obsession with Bacon, as he was trying to gain high public office while writing for the stage. The Theater and all whom were connected with it were scorned as vagabonds in Elizabethan England and Bacon could not afford to have his good name besmirched with such an association. No trace of Shakespeare’s original manuscripts have ever been found; and neither has anything in the handwriting of Shakespeare other than a few cramped signatures on tavern receipts. It is a well known fact that Shakespeare was poorly educated and nearly illiterate. If Bacon did write the plays then he certainly would have preserved them as proof of his authorship; however, he did not care to acknowledge them in his own lifetime and thus intended that the secret to be kept for some time after his death.

The problem for us Baconists is that we have never been able to produce these manuscripts. A Dr. Orville Owen once claimed to have found, in cipher, directions left by Bacon to dig under the River Wye in Gloucester, England. These directions were explicit, telling Orville that he would find “boxes like eels in the mud, boxes swathed in camlet and covered with tar.” Dr. Owen dug at the place indicated and, though the work was greatly impeded by the tidal bore of the Severn River, he found a stone foundation of about the same size as the expected crypt, but the chamber and whatever it had contained had been removed. The explanation given for their absence was that after the parchments were buried Bacon became fearful of their discovery while he was still alive, and thus decided to remove them to a safer place. For years I have been reading everything ever written by Bacon for a clue as to where he hid those manuscripts after removing them from their original hiding place. Last week, thanks to you and your friends I think I now know the answer!

Right before Bacon died he wrote a book called Sylva Sylvarum, (or a Naturall Historie in Ten Centuries). This work was published in London in 1627, and was part of his unfinished Instauratio Magna. In this work he stated the following:

“It was reported by a Sober Man, that an Artificial Spring may be made thus: Find out a hanging Ground, where there is a good quicke Fall of Rain-water. Lay a Half-Trough of Stone, of a good length, three or foure foot deep within the same Ground; with one end vpon the high Ground and the other vpon the low. Couer the Trough with Brakes a good thicknesse, and cast Sand vpon the Top of the Brakes: You shall see (saith hee) that after some showers are past, the lower End of the Trough will runne like a Spring of Water: which is no maruell, if it hold, while the Raine-water lasteth; But he said it would continue long after the Raine is past: As if the water did multiply it selfe vpon the Aire, by the helpe of the Coldnesse and Condensation of the Earth, and the Consort of the first Water.

It is also a well know fact that Bacon traveled to the Azores a few years before he died. Undoubtedly, he buried his manuscripts on Sao Miguel. My theories will be proven correct if you find any quick silver or paper in your pit. Let me know as soon as you find the manuscripts and I will send someone from the British Archives to retrieve them.

God Save the Queen,
Lord Abraham Billingsly III
Upper House of Burgess
Kent upon the Stratford, upon the Avon

Hoot! Me thinks ye be an idiot me faire English friend. Thanks for the interesting narrative on Sir Francis Bacon. Some of it actually sounded believable. In the meantime, however, I suggest you join your doft British Isle pal (see the Scottish lunatic who wrote the above letter) and check into a soft, comfortable resting place.

Greetings to you and your fellow travelers there on the merry island of Sao Miguel. My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was named Silas B. Marnyes and was the last man to ever to speak with the infamous pirate Captain William Kidd before Kidd was hung in 1701. Whether Kidd was feeling noble that day or just didn’t want to die without sharing his secret I'll never know but I do know Kidd told my great great great great great great great great great great grandfather all about his treasure and where it was buried. Since that day my family has been searching in vain for that damn treasure.

As you know William Kidd was a well-established English sea captain up until about 1695, when he turned into a pirate. From his secret base in the Azores he molested ships from all over the world and amassed a huge booty of treasure. Finally in 1701 he was captured and sent back to England for trial, where he was found guilty of piracy and hanged. His vast fortune, buried in a secret location, was never found.

Before Kidd was hanged he tried to work out a deal with the British Admiralty, where he would divulge the secret location of his treasure in return for his life. The British Admiralty turned down the request. On the night before his execution Kidd told his cell mate (who just so happened to be my great great great great great great great great great great grandfather) about his treasure and where it was buried. My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was an imbecile and couldn't remember anything that Kidd told him (even though Kidd supposedly went over it with him nearly a dozen times). All my great great great great great great great great great great grandfather could remember was that the treasure was buried on an island that had a funny "foreign sounding" name. Since Kidd wanted my family to have the treasure I find it only fitting that once you dig up his treasure that you give it to me. Let me know when I can come out and claim the booty.

Thanks,
Dick Marnyes, esq.
Louisville, KY.

Sure Bud, whatever you say..........

A couple of months ago my sister in law told me that her husband got a new leather jacket. This jacket transformed him from a meek and mild family man into this super cool alpha type male. As she was complaining about this radical change in her husband I thought, “Wow! Maybe I should do the same for my wimpy hubby.” Well, it completely backfired! I bought my hubby a new leather jacket and now he thinks he’s the Fonz. Everyday he tells me to “sit on it” because I’m a nerd. He also rides around town on his motorcycle trying to pick up chicks while I'm home with our six small children. What should I do?

Mrs. Dwight H. Rocamora
Fenwick Park, WI

The Mooj thinks your hubby will be fine. Just give him a few weeks and he'll return to normal. (Let's just hope that some real bikers don't catch up with him first, though.)

A few months ago I came across your web site and decided to give Moojism a try. Please don’t take this wrong but you totally suck as a guru. Not once have I read anything in your newsletter that even remotely helps me. Your newsletter seems to be just an outlet for you to publish stupid adventure stories. I’m pretty sure that your “mooj mail” is all fake too since you only get about 1,000 web site hits per week and I doubt that such a wide variety of characters could be found in such a small sample size. Some of your stories are pretty funny but if I want humor I can watch TV or read a book. What I want and need is spiritual advice and I’m beginning to think you’re not the right person to give it to me.

M. C. Cleary
Rosedale, CA

The Mooj reminds his minions that these accusations are wrong and hurtful.

My boyfriend won't tell me how many girls he slept with before me even though I told him all about my sexual history. We have been together two months and I think I love him. I want us to stay together forever, so when he asked me how many sexual partners I had before him I told him the truth. I am 22 and he knows I have had boyfriends before him, so I thought it was best to be honest. He is a year older than me and I presume he has had girlfriends before, but when I asked him the same question later on, he would not answer me. He says it is none of my business. When he is out with his friends they all call him "Dr. Stud" and then they all joke about his many conquests. He usually laughs, climbs up on the bar and does some sort of "stud dance." Do you think he should tell me, or should I drop the subject?

Joanne R.
Uttica, NY

Dr. Stud?? Dr. Dud is more like it. My advice to you is dump the chump and move on.

I just saw on the news that the movie American Pie won the Oscar for best picture. How low can the the Academy of Motion Pictures sink? I saw that movie and it was disgusting! In fact, I pulled my kids out of the movie theater immediately following that "apple pie scene." How in the world could such a filthy movie win an Oscar for best picture? Hollywood has sunk pretty low in the past now it's hit rock bottom!

F. Farmer
Pasadena, CA

The Mooj thinks you are mistaken; the movie American Beauty won the Oscar, not American Pie. Although, from what I heard, American Beauty wasn't that much better.